Tuesday, November 18, 2008

#6: Having a Girlfriend

Because, socially, it's the logical progression of things. Most people don't know they are gay right away. Some do, but, for some, it is unfathomable--all thought, even gay ones, just seem like random electricity flowing through the brain, and many guys are not the type to start analyzing their feelings and thoughts. Even if a guy meets another guy who he hits it off with (let's say they are 16 years old) their first thought isn't going to be they are in love with that guy; if they think he's kind of cute, this thought will seem weird and will likely be buried. Homophobia might begin to grow in it's place--but though those feelings may not technically be forgotten, it is unlikely they will ever really be acknowledged, at least not while their still in high school, unless they are lucky enough to find someone open and honest enough to allow them to be open and honest. But nobody has time to wait to be saved by TRUE love. So this guy's gonna have to get a girlfriend.

The common misconception is that gay guys can't tell when a girl is hot, which is absolutely ridiculous. Knowing that girls are hot is how gays know that straight guys know when other dudes are hot: 'cuz it don't work that way, Pepe. If you can tell when a male dog is cute, you can tell when a male human is cute (this differs upon taste, as some people have none, obv). But we're here to talk about chicks. People in high school (an beyond, as life doesn't get too much less shallow) What a girlfriend does, on the outside, is tell people, "Hello I hook up with chicks, ok, later not gay !!!1!" Many call this girl a "beard" and, in many cases we've seen, she is the one who pursued the relationship. She liked this cute, maybe funny, maybe kinda charming, guy, and made a boyfriend out of him. She will often find herself disappointed by his seeming lack of interest in anything but brooding or pawing her listlessly OR, on the other end, be enamored by how much like One of The Girls he is.
Not all gay people are the same, so, therefore, not all guys in the closet are the same. There are the ones who want to come out, and will, one day--then there are the, often more macho, guys, who are fundamentally terrified of acknowledging this thing inside of them. Societal instituitions, such as church, and, in many cases, sports and fraternities, also help to keep guys in the closet by nuturing a) environments that praise you for being with women and b) environments that take the piss out of you if you stray from their conception of the heterosexual norm. This is why the term closet-case isn't quite used as a joke around here: I seriously think it's fucked up, and some people have no way out. What the girlfriend does, on the inside, is help this guy convince himself that he's not gonna be charmed by another guy IN THAT WAY, that he's not gonna admire his best friend, Charlie, next time his shirt accidentally pulls up too high, revealing smooth skin and ripples and the like. All this amounts to is a lot of people wasting each others' time, but, for many, what it feels like is their life being saved from teh geighs and how lame it is, and people like Prince tapping their bible with a look of reproach everytime Billy drunkenly finds his way to Dudetube and let's one go, followed by crying and hating himself and calling people fag whenever he gets the chance, because he doesn't know how he's supposed to feel, just knows he doesn't want to feel like this.

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