Thursday, November 6, 2008

#2: Slutty Girls

Everyone knows that gay guys are hot--that's what makes them gay! But the only thing hotter than a homosexual, is a homoseskual who isn't ready to face reality--girls love that shit. No, not perceptive girls who know something not even the dude knows, and so tries to be there for him. I'm talking about the girl who needs some dick, and in a hurry. In college, there is always that kind of party where the booze is flowing freely and the hormones are bouncing off one another like things that bounce when they hit other things that bounce also!

The Closeted love to binge drink (more on that later), but so does everyone, especially in college, or neighborhoods where you're pretending you're in college (like Brooklyn, or Florida). Being drunk at 1 oclock in the morning, after one has been imbibing all night, sets the human body at a level where it needs only the barest of essentials, followed by bed in some fashion. For many, this involves munchies of some sort--for hippies, this involves tweeb smoking, or playing the acoustic guitar until they pass out. For girls so slutty that cognizant, respectuful dudes won't touch them, this involves getting some dick from a hot dude, and since Closeted guys are gay guys, they are the nearest hot guy (this is the transitive property of trampiness). This is where the closet-case hits paydirt, for he doesn't really like girls enough to forthrightly pursue them, and he doesn't have to, because he's a smokin gay dude, so the girls flock to him, and since he needs to secure his place among his boys, as the premise requires, he must take this woman to bed, and he must do it now, bro, she's begging for it!

The slutty girl is an invaluable tool in the closeted males arsenal*, as she gives him a free hook-up, and at least one more week before someone thinks he's gay (it will never be more than one week, sorry), but only really about five minutes (or however long the sex lasts) before he remembers that he's gay, and that being gay totally sucks balls, which increases the chances of him making this chick his girlfriend, so that he can never feel gay, which is just fine by her, because what she wanted was a boyfriend anyway. She will cheat on him because that is her nature, he will tell his boys how much chicks suck, and that will be the unspoken story people tell themselves when they wonder why he looks so glum at parties. Whatever works, man...

*(Lesbians can't be "closeted," because they are kind of awesome.)

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