#4: James Franco

Any respectable dudebro digs movies. Not foreign films or musicals (although there are shades of gray in both of these cases, as Ong Bak is technically foreign, but also considered badass by most straight accounts), but any movie present, at some point, in the US box office's top ten. It is also permitted to have favorite actors or actresses. Your favorite actress MUST be hot. There is no negotiating this; if she isn't hot, then you must have a logically sound argument as to why you think she is. Your favorite actor, on the other hand, has to be cool. The word cool covers a lot of ground, from Will Smith, to Tom Hanks, to Heath Ledger (Dark Knight version only); Tom Cruise is not cool--neither is someone like Jude Law or something. But gays are as shallow as the lord himself, and so his favorite actor must also be hot, but not by choice--we are born this way. For one to be in the closet however, it is tough to explain why Channing Tatum is his favorite actor. I mean, he's fine and all, but that's not going to go over so well with your bros. You need somebody who gives you abnormal pulse disorder AND won't ruin your life and have your parents disown you because they hate buttsecks.

That's where James Franco comes in. Firstly, he's adorbs beyond compare, and this is inarguable. Secondly, he's been working with Judd Apatow for years, and everyone needs a favorite Apatow Player, and throwing out Franco's name might even land you street cred, which is a bonus, no matter what your goals in life may be. Everyone loves Jonah Hill, but the perceptive movie goer is the one who appreciates Franco's subtlety (make sure to use a word like "subtlety" or "good-natured" and not "dimples" or "swoon!"). PLUS, you'll be gaining pre-emptive geigh-cred, for when you finally come out, because Franco seems like a genuinely nice guy, and is slowly becoming a gay icon in his own right, which is awesome.

So, closeteds, remember, we love you no matter how things turn out. And, as far as lust objects go, you could do worse.

(NOTE: Real life "Francos" may not all be well-read and into "art" and "gay rights" and stuff--they might be assholes who string you along, only to dump your ass when you've finally decided to open your heart to him. They might also be Closets who will crush you the moment you become a possible liability. Just make sure you have a support system is all we're sayin, k? We really do worry...)