#8: Promiscuity

The good ol' fashioned hetero kind. Because homophobia is basically mysogony. That's not totally my own theorum--I think Dan Savage talked about this in an interview, but it's probably the truest thing out of anything we will ever talk about here. You see, guys, as a whole (we're not talking about dudes who are cool as hell, cuz those guys're cool), but, uh...oh right, guys tend to see women as inferior, but not necessarily because they have a philosophy against women, per se. For example, they think chicks are h0t and stuff. It's just a matter of how they view existence, it's how the language is constructed, how our society is skewed, even subliminally. Guys "throw like girls", or "run like girls," or wear tight jeans, like "girls' jeans." (You've heard this before, just bear with us). When a girl tells another girl to "man up," it means be strong, to fight, stand up for yourself, for what you want or what you believe. When a guy tells another guy (or a girl tells another girl) to not be such a girl about shit, they don't mean "don't be thoughtful" or "don't consider how this will make you feel in the long run." They essentially mean, don't be annoying--don't think with your heart (hearts like little fags that live in your chest). Man up forever, yo.

So, like we said, being a girl sucks. Guys brag about when a girl inserts their penine into their mouth-holes because haha she totally ate that shit, bro! Do you get it? THE THINGS THAT GIRLS DO, THOSE THINGS ARE DEMEANING AND FOR GIRLS; ONLY DO THINGS THE GUYS WAY ONLY. That's why gey guys suck--because they do things that girls do. No, I don't mean in the stereotypical, gheys like Project Runway kind of way. I mean in the geys go down on other guys way (that shit is awesome, I know, but that's not the popular perception YET). All kinds of guys are into sports, or into acheiving, or into making someone proud, whoever that person may be. That's not the point of this paragraph. The point is this: a young, closeted male has been fed this skewed view of masculinity, and, since he has discovered this gey stuff inside of him, he now hates himself, and he hates the outward representation, or symbol, of this femininity he in no way wants to be associated--females.

But he can't go around bashing chicks all day, because he'll look like a total homo. Girls are onto this. So, what he's got to do is pig chicks out, bro. He's got to get with chicks (which he can, because gay guys are hot, it's science) and refuse to commit. He's got to move from one chick to the next, because straight guys respect guys who get a lot of tail and WE ALL JUST WANT RESPECT FROM OUR TARGET DEMO! Yeah, young straight guys is, like, the worst target demo ever, partly because youth is fleeting, but a closet-case isn't thinking this far ahead. He just needs to get through high school, through college, through his first marriage... Sure, if he's not entirely masculine, guys will call him a fag, but it'll be cool, just joshin you homey, because he's gonna go tear up the dance floor at the party later (or just play the laidback dickhead that girls seem to love so much), then he's gonna home with a hot chick and bang her. She will think he's kinda cool and set up another date. On this date, he will be a dick to her, maybe make her feel bad about stuff that really just represents his inner turmoil, not problems she should really be concerned with. His friends will ask, whatever happened to Hot Chick. Our Closet-Case will call her a cunt and say that all sluts are the same, and his boys will laugh and think how fucking true that shit is, dog; girls CANNOT be trusted, y'know?

This cycle will be perpetuated endlessly. Maybe his friends will mature a bit, ask him why he doesn't just settle down with a nice girl, since he's hooked up with a couple cool chicks who ended up with cool dudes. He'll say how he's not wifey material and this shit will be so true! He'll chug the last sip of his redbull and vodka and, since he did work today, he'll go home early because he's tired. Or maybe because that guy was at the party tonight--that guy that makes him uncomfortable because of the way he looks at him when they talk (always briefly, only ever at parties), and how he is just SO DAMN SMART for absolutely no reason, you know? He's cool, but he doesn't really like to go out, only gets dragged to these things because of his roommates, who he came out to a couple semesters ago (you're friends make fun of him, and you laugh when they do). No, our hero, will go home with only his buzz tonight. He will sit on the edge of his bed and not even realize his face scrunching up, his face turning red. He'll notice the crying, though, as always. He'll notice the emptiness inside, because it never goes away. He knows what he has to do, but why does it have to be him? Why does the world have to be against this, and he does he have to be it? The only answer is that shit happens, and we promise it's not as bad as you think it is. We know people say otherwise, but this is your life we're talking about. There's no 'people' in u, man.

On Teevee: The American Music Awards

CHAPTER ONE: AMAs

After a certain age, human animals should be able to give up a couple fantasies they've used to protect themselves growing up, Lord Space Santa might be the ticket for some people. What I had to give up was the idea that American award shows actually mean anything. They don't. I mean, some of the film ones do, like the Oscars. The Oscars are classy, and also they are comptetitive, so it kind of means something if you win (unless you are Diablo Cody), kind of like getting into an Ivy League school, or having an iPhone. In that way, the Spirit Awards probably kind of mean something too, as many of those awards overlap anyway (the jury is still out on the Golden Globes). But anybody with the maturity level of an American 17-year-old should know that the Grammys mean nothing. When there are awesome indie bands that get totally ignored because they don't get rotation on old-school venues (broadcast radio, mtv), but Alicia Keys sweeps or Timbaland sweeps (while Justice has to settle for making out with each other)...let's just say that most people watch these things for the pretty pictures of Miley, or to see if Xtina humps her mic stand or fellates a bible or something. Y'know, American music type stuff!


It's also fun to see who wins, then get outraged because it's inconsequential, esp. after the Nov 4th election, right? Well, whatever, ABC dot com has your full list of winners, BUT, I have to warn you, Alvin and the Chipmunks is among them. Investigate at your own peril, bros.

#2: Slutty Girls

Everyone knows that gay guys are hot--that's what makes them gay! But the only thing hotter than a homosexual, is a homoseskual who isn't ready to face reality--girls love that shit. No, not perceptive girls who know something not even the dude knows, and so tries to be there for him. I'm talking about the girl who needs some dick, and in a hurry. In college, there is always that kind of party where the booze is flowing freely and the hormones are bouncing off one another like things that bounce when they hit other things that bounce also!

The Closeted love to binge drink (more on that later), but so does everyone, especially in college, or neighborhoods where you're pretending you're in college (like Brooklyn, or Florida). Being drunk at 1 oclock in the morning, after one has been imbibing all night, sets the human body at a level where it needs only the barest of essentials, followed by bed in some fashion. For many, this involves munchies of some sort--for hippies, this involves tweeb smoking, or playing the acoustic guitar until they pass out. For girls so slutty that cognizant, respectuful dudes won't touch them, this involves getting some dick from a hot dude, and since Closeted guys are gay guys, they are the nearest hot guy (this is the transitive property of trampiness). This is where the closet-case hits paydirt, for he doesn't really like girls enough to forthrightly pursue them, and he doesn't have to, because he's a smokin gay dude, so the girls flock to him, and since he needs to secure his place among his boys, as the premise requires, he must take this woman to bed, and he must do it now, bro, she's begging for it!

The slutty girl is an invaluable tool in the closeted males arsenal*, as she gives him a free hook-up, and at least one more week before someone thinks he's gay (it will never be more than one week, sorry), but only really about five minutes (or however long the sex lasts) before he remembers that he's gay, and that being gay totally sucks balls, which increases the chances of him making this chick his girlfriend, so that he can never feel gay, which is just fine by her, because what she wanted was a boyfriend anyway. She will cheat on him because that is her nature, he will tell his boys how much chicks suck, and that will be the unspoken story people tell themselves when they wonder why he looks so glum at parties. Whatever works, man...

*(Lesbians can't be "closeted," because they are kind of awesome.)