As days go by, it's the....something, something. Whatever, I'm trying to sing the Family Matters theme

Which I sometimes confuse with the Full House theme? Don't know why, but I basically always do that.

-I gave my cat a sip of a chocolate nutritional drink. It made him stand on his hind legs and beg for more.

-I kind of hate myself because every time I see a picture of Zac Efron, I'm always like, "Oh, man." Which is sad, right? Who the fuck does he think he is? [pic via jezebel]

-I've been writing ecards at someecards and it's a lot of fun, especially when they actually seem to be liked, which is not always.

-You ever notice how Brent Corrigan is always posing and shit in his videos? It's like, some of us are into the fourth wall, dude.

-Doesn't it suck how if you basically lay your cards on the table and tell some dude you're like soulmates and shit, how you can't go back? Because you CAN NOT go back--it either ends well (which is almost never the case for fagmos) or it ends badly, which is nearly surefire this day and age. But I'm tellin you, right?

-So bored right now. Not in the suicide-y way, just am. Maybe go for a walk? Trying to hate Kanye less. Miss you, JoBros.

#18: Their unselfconscious friend who happens to be hot

pics via here

Cuz he's not gonna care if you gently caress his chest and give him a lip kiss after an intense soccer match. Plus the social construct of your bro-based relationship essentially allows you to fall in love with him (and generate a sense that you are loved in return) without actuall having to come out of the closet or lie about your feelings ("I leave a lot out when I tell the truth"   - someone honest). Unselfconscious hot people have often been raised to have such a high level of self-esteem, that they pretty much notice how 'ghey' ur being, but they don't really make a big deal about it, because you're their bro, and that's all that matters. 

But for YOU, it means the universe. For YOU, there may never be a relationship that feels this meaningful and fullfilling while simultaneously being unsatisfying. Sure, your first real boyfriend might be satisfying in all the ways that this friendship is not, but is it really more meaningful? Can you really say you are loved more, or give more love, just because you found someone whose wants you to 'make him cum'? No, you're going to be dreaming about the one who 'got you', who lovingly didn't let you get away with bullshit, or who just let you be yourself without 'trying to change you' into something their parents will like. Or whatever the case may be. I mean, sure, love is love, and everyone deserves it, but for the closetcase, while he is a closetcase, the truest form of humanity/human comfort isn't the girl he's pretending to be interested in--it's the bro he's pretending he could care less about. 

Be careful out there.

In life: 100 post mark

I made it to about a hundred posts sometime this week. Not sure when, although I could easily check, and it got me thinking about how I like the site better now that I'm not 'trying to sound smart', even though I liked this place back then too. Guess maybe it just means I like what I'm doing, as long as I'm doing what I want? Anyway, that picture up there is from here. Here are some links, though, in honor of this landmark moment, on this Friday the 13th, of some posts I wrote, in which I actually like what I wrote, and didn't just use it as an excuse to 'post hot bros.'

-We talked about 'getting drunk' to hide your pain

-We talked about sports

-We talked about science

-We talked about religion and gay people in American society

-We talked about misinformation

Questions about headgear

Is wearing a wool-hat with a t-shirt acceptable, or do I have to be rich first?

Whatever, there's a new South Park on, so maybe I'll watch that if I'm not working on my dream, which is what I should be doing right now actually.

SCCL Blame-storm: Life is so real, you guys

Life is just so real sometimes. Like, sometimes you have something, and about 3.2 secs laters you just don't have it anymore, and there's nothing you can do about it. I think they call this 'real shit.' Sometimes you want to run away from the obvious, right? Maybe you're all happy about something, and it starts to suck, but you get used to it sucking, so instead of getting rid of it, you stick around and suffer with it, even though you 'wanna die sometimes'. They call it comfortable depression. I read about it on Twitterfall.

It's cool how you have to change the way you do things. Like, sometimes you try to get to the heart of closet case culture, in America, then you think you've gotten to the marrow and everything, and so you have to start basically making fun of Jake Gyllenhall in hopes of shaming him. Do I really think he's a clozzy? Maybe. But only because Reese Withsponianz is probs a lez. Don't sue me, y'all. It's just Sunday. Just trying to make it out alive. Just trying to decide if I should pay to see Watchmen or not. I hate spoilers is all. Gotta see it before the blogsphere blowhards it. Don't want to have to hurt sometone, or threaten violence.

Anyway, maybe there should be a big clozzy party? You think if I threw one, closetcases would really show up, or would it just be queenie twinks, who are in high school? Whatever, all I know is that I've seen the movie Step Up 2 tha Streets Y'all like 4 times already, and I don't even feel bad about it. Can I tell you a secret? I'm basically in love with the cast. Does that mean my life is probably empty? 

I blame the recession. I blame Barrack Obama. I blame my parents. I blame the Pope. I blame Polytheism. I blame HRO. I blame Facebook. I blame the Cobrasnake and Gawker dot com. I blame internet porn. I blame the Jonas Brothers (miss you guys). I blame the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album. I blame Liza Minelli.  I blame kids who used to wear NIN t-shirts. I blame Verizone Wireless. I blame Apple store employees. I blame hicks from the South. 

I blame closetcases. 

I blame me.

Call me in three years, bro.

party pix via cobrasnake

#16: Beating their girlfriends?

I dunno. Closetcases are known mysogonists, as they perceive gayness as feminine, and since they are gay, and hate themselves, they also hate girls, at least while they're still in the closet. So, like, it's conceivable, y'all. Just saying.

Pending, you guys.

#14: Christian Bale

We'll make this quick, since it's obvious, and not everything needs to be all philosophical all the time. But Christain Bale is hot, and closetcases and Out Gays need for guys to be hot in order for them to actually exist, you know? That's just  how life works. Cute people are real, ugly people remind us of how dead we are inside. So Chrissy Bale fullfills this hotness through tireless hours at the gym/being photogenic. But what he also is, is Batman, of the Dark Knights, you guys. This makes him safe to like, because if you're wasted and mutter, "god, I love Christain Bale" while watching him appear on the Jiminy Kimmel Show with your bros, they'll be all like, "Yeah, I can't wait for the next Batman movie. What's Chris Nolan waiting for?" They WILL NOT be like, "You're a fag. You just want to get his dick wet, bro." Of course, the latter is the truth, but they won't know that, because you're so good at hiding your gayness that no one, ever, in history, will ever suspect that you're just using your girlfriend until you have the courage to finally kill yourself for being such a homo. 

#11: Not being alone

Because there are so many voices in our heads, all the time, sometimes all at once, screaming--meaning, like, nobody wants to be alone, let alone a closetcasey. Even if it's just being at the bar, our favorite, unattractive but funny in a 'you should do stand-up' way buddy's hand around our shoulder.

The truth about our sexual nature's can be dibilitatingly frightening sometimes, especially if we are an ethnic minority. Our largely marginilized culture has to have a lot of pride here in the State's, and has fostered a practice of cultural homophobia to align itself with the thoughts of Jezuz Christ, the American war god. What this means is we can never 'come out' of our shells 100%, and so must spend 89% of our lives alone, crying--having a family member, like your cool older sister, is clutch in this case, as she prevents us from being alone.

Or maybe you've already come out as 'a hipster' (which makes you gay), but there are no other gays in your small Texas town, but sometimes bands like Digitalism or Clues comes to town, and we bring our two best girlfriends along, because they've been getting into electro too. We might not find a man to hold us and tell us we'll be okay for another 10, 15 years. Maybe he'll be at this YYYs show, maybe he won't. Either way, you've got your two best gfs, so you'll never really be able to say no one was there for you you're whole life, even though it felt that way.

Maybe the other guys at the Auto Body Shoppe are jerks and always calling people and things faggots, like, 'this faggy coffee machine don't work, braa,' and so you want to come out to them, but you're afraid of losing the only friends you have, even if the friendship isn't based on trust or honesty, just based on an isolating work schedule and beer. There might be a 'vampire bar' nearby, where you can be yourself, not feel like the walls are closing in on you, like life isn't worth living. Maybe you listen to "Someday is Tonight" from Rhythm Nation on the drive over.

Or maybe you just take druqz to survive the daily horrorscape of a waking life restricted by Social Mores established when the Pope got to make all the rules, and scared people into not sucking each others' penises, or rubbing their vaginas together. Maybe you've found 'the one' who will do psychodelics with you, and laff, and talk about politics and Hunter Thompson, and think that Music was a good Madonna album, for the kind of music it is. 

Sometimes we're forced to be alone because being gay is a sin from the Bill of Sins, which was written by the Founding Fathers of America, and, even tho we were raised to think it's cool, everyone else wasn't. Or maybe we were raised to want to drag fags from trucks, and so our Corbin Fisher membership is 'our business'. Whatever the sitch, closetcases effect everyone, probably even the economy. Choose wisely. Fin

Photos by Cobrasnake

Concept by HRO

Picture post: Thoughts on what we want from the future

Brought to you by the Cobra Snake:

Reading hipsty runny has made me realize that maybe I should have a less demanding job that allows me to party more. Partying on new years eve showed me that what I'm missing is carefreeness and youthfulness. But the thing is, I've got, like, goals. These guys probably have goals too, though.

Getting pussy is a goal for some. Or hiding the desire for dick. Whatever, sometimes having a goal is a full-time job in itself. Ever since i was younger, I was able to mimic really well. I'd find a writer I liked, and I'd learn how to write just like them. Find a band I like, write songs like them. This has been happening with my blogging too, and I don't know how to fix it.

I lost my phone over the summer and had to get a crap one for free. Now, when I get phone calls, I want to cry because the phone sux dick bags, but in the bad way. I want to party with people who have a lot of money and no blemishes. Who chew on straws because they're coked up.

I don't ever want to work in the food-service industry tho. People only do it because they have to. I might get laid off; I might have to.

I can't wait til it gets warm out here on the east coast. I want to go to bar-be-cues and take off my shirt and smile and do drugs with people I only hang out with because I'm not dating anyone, but plan to drop as soon as I have a partner.

I want to move out of New Jersey. I want to not have to explain where I'm coming from to people. I want everyone I know to love themselves. Is there a place on earth like that? It used to be New York, but I don't know anymore. I might have to go see for myself for an 'extended stay'. I want one of my best friends to go with me. I don't want to be alone.

I want to stop doing drugs, but I don't really think I want to stop. I'm pretty sure I don't want to stop drinking, though. I want to make money doing what I love. I want to love something that loves me back. I want to be able to afford to eat food whenever I want it. I want my cat to be neutered. Will the new year be able to fit all of these things into it, along with World Peace and a new Harry Potter movie? Won't you find out with me? The end.

#10: Binge Drinking

Because lowered inhibitions are an excuse to do anything, including 'act kinda gay', especially if kinda refers to the true inner you that you're suppressing because you were raised religious/with 'traditional values'/are still in high school/have bonehead friends or think you do. Drinking too much and very lots also allows the trad excuse of "dude, I was so wasted" before anybody even mentions that you fondled their cock (over their jeans) or tried to kiss them or told them you were in love with them, or "Bro, I don't remember anything after those shots", which what is used AFTER someone brings up that you guys maybe made out with each other/tugged ones alongside one another.

Drinking also allows the Closetbro [ednote; obsessed w Carles] to hook up with girls, who are usually boring/ugly/just friends/like a sister/the girl version of them. It allows them to not feel bad about playing themselves out (denying their true journey) and duping unsuspecting honeys into wasting time on someone who is wasting time on themselves. Drinking heavily may also allow one to visit Corbin Fisher (en-ess-eff-dubs) just to check out the bods and rub a little, or sit in a haze next to their bro who smells really good tonight, what cologne is that? Cool, can I hold you, I think we're connecting?

Basically, alks makes life better and will be the bees knees during the Greatest Depression Ever, so it's obvious that it also helps make the Closet case okay with marrying this chick who was only supposed to make him forget how pissed his dad will be if he ever came out so he never can. It helps him not hang himself when his wife is all I'm pregnant, dumby. It'll make hurting himself socially acceptable because it's okay to drink yourself into perpetual numbness and early graveness since prohibition is over. It's just not okay to be gay, so drink up gay boy, no one can tell, really. You're mad butch.

In the media: the Jonas Brothers

I find it very difficult to hate the Jonas Brothers. And I hate everyONE and everyTHING. Seriously, think of a noun, and I probably have something awful to say about it. People ask me why I'm so quiet, and that's why: I am brimming with vitriol, people. But, with the JBz, AS I CHOOSE TO CALL THEM, they are so fundamentally opposite everything I strive for (except money) that I have no choice but to embrace them, you know? Sure, they love Jesus and I blaspheme and spit in god's face at every chance I get. They are upbeat and my heart is blacker than the crudest of fossil fuels. The only thing we have in common is how much we likely touch ourselves, and yet they probably have more buttsecks than me (because they are Pure and buttsecks doesn't count in the eyes of Jesus).

I love bands that let seep through some semblance of honesty, but I am open to like most anything (the newish song "Kill the Lights" by Britney Spears is appreciated by me these days as much as the bulk of Mr. Oizo's Lamb's Anger lp, as much as Ten Kens, a band I am recently digging), yet cannot find an angle from which to fully embrace the Bro-bros music, or to not feel weird even listening to it (there's something about it that says Stay Away). Someone on some board somewhere today pointed out how these guys have a full band that plays along with them, and I think this speaks of the larger problem: they are controlled by Disney, and Disney is a money-hungry, brand-spewing monster. Britney Spears' life is a crudely-polished turd right now, and if the JBz suffer the same fate, I'll be kind of annoyed at the world, because there are three of them, and they're brothers, and they should be looking out for each other, and not getting brainwashed by big corpos or even their 'rents, as kids say these days, right?? So maybe they'll be okay. But, I dunno. Nick, the youngest, has been in show bizness THE LONGEST. His parents (and I'm speculating here) have to be scumbags on some level--smart, bizness savvy, sure, but they are loving the money coming in, and who wouldn't?? But still, I find myself constantly defending them. I dunno--with the aforemention Ms. Spears, I basically coveted her downfall since I was in high school. I just wanted that bitch (sorry) to go down, just bein honest. But now that she has, it sucks and now I know I was a jerk.

So, Jonases? Please, if management starts crushing up vikes handing out lines after the show, or offers you their scrip of addies shaped like Flinstones vitamens before a Regis and Kelly taping, SAY NO. Life is long, and it's tremendous, and as long as your goal, growing up, is to be cool™, and understanding™, and to learn as much as possible, you'll be fine. But if evangelicalism (?) proves to be the Titanic I think it might be (I am wrong a lot, though, guys, and I care, really sorta I guess) then promise me that you won't go down with the ship. I will continue to defend you, and I apologize if this came across as condescending.

NOTE: I think I am only interested because (a) whoever styles them has wicked sense of style and I want anything Nick wears and (b) I am fully down with raising Joe's kids.

Just say the word, bro. [pictures via Variety]

#9: Sports

Because what young people need as they get older is an identity, and sports provide that, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Goths have the dark arts, drama gheys have theatre, and kids whose parents either recognize that sports are a good start to a healthy life (that these kids will grow to squander by binge drinking and snorting rails) or realize that they are old and that life sucks and must live vicariously/perilously through their sons, have sports.

Sports also foster discipline, which is good for guys who have a strong sense of self, as it will be a way to harness focus when they find something that focus will aid in improving. For people without spines, however, discipline can quickly turn into conformity, which is why sports programs (especially in movies) have the reputation for being full of arrogant pricks who are slaves to (and perpetuate) the idea of popularity as a virtue. Everybody is different unless they are trainted not to be! And building a belief system that can stem from the values of being good at a sport, this is something that happens to one without totally realizing it, so when they are put into a situation that forces them to self-analyze (such as realizing they might like dudes), they can be totally thrown off and angry/confused--a closet will be borne, and a case will cling to this masculine identity for dear life, and who could blame them.

The problem is older people being in the closet, but that could be the problem across the board. No out-N-proud pro athletes means none at the high school level, or college, because gays are the devil broken up into millions of little Degrassi fans. But seriously, the straight teammates think only weirdos are ghey, the ghey ones think if they act tough no one will suspect them (thereby perpetuating the cliches and misinformations that keep their cages locked so tight), and a million little lost connections are made, and youthful years wasted, because of fear.

If one is hell-bent on never coming out while simultaneously making life more difficult for others, athletic heroism is the perfect cover to employ. If you're in love with your friend Daniel, but would rather die than admit that to yourself, why not become awesome at footballing, get a hot girlfriend, and call people fags all the time? IT'S THE PERFECT CRIME, and, also, it's moral, because you are only hurting yourself (and your girlfriend and eventual children, but they don't count!). This isn't Spartan times--athletes aren't allowed to notice how hot each other are, or blow one another to commemorate a job well-done (not yet!), so the closeted athlete won't even partake in the straight baller's antics of ass/ball slapping, playing nudging or hugging, or European man-kissing.

Are you part of a sports club and also straight? After a big win, go around doing ghey stuff to people, the ones that act the most offended and grossed out (the ones who act like they have the most to lose by being okay with this) those are the ones you need to hug closer and say, "No matter what, you're still my teammate and my friend and I love you. And that probably goes for all the guys here, too." Then hold him at arm's length and appraise him, then look him in the eye and say, "Do you know what I mean?" He'll probably call you a homo, but he'll never forget that you did it, and will never be able to say that nobody, ever in his life, tried to be there for him. (Plus, when one comes out after all those years of sports, they are both butch, and have a rockin body, and that will make them POPULAR AS FUCK! Which is their Earthly wont.)

#8: Promiscuity

The good ol' fashioned hetero kind. Because homophobia is basically mysogony. That's not totally my own theorum--I think Dan Savage talked about this in an interview, but it's probably the truest thing out of anything we will ever talk about here. You see, guys, as a whole (we're not talking about dudes who are cool as hell, cuz those guys're cool), but, uh...oh right, guys tend to see women as inferior, but not necessarily because they have a philosophy against women, per se. For example, they think chicks are h0t and stuff. It's just a matter of how they view existence, it's how the language is constructed, how our society is skewed, even subliminally. Guys "throw like girls", or "run like girls," or wear tight jeans, like "girls' jeans." (You've heard this before, just bear with us). When a girl tells another girl to "man up," it means be strong, to fight, stand up for yourself, for what you want or what you believe. When a guy tells another guy (or a girl tells another girl) to not be such a girl about shit, they don't mean "don't be thoughtful" or "don't consider how this will make you feel in the long run." They essentially mean, don't be annoying--don't think with your heart (hearts like little fags that live in your chest). Man up forever, yo.

So, like we said, being a girl sucks. Guys brag about when a girl inserts their penine into their mouth-holes because haha she totally ate that shit, bro! Do you get it? THE THINGS THAT GIRLS DO, THOSE THINGS ARE DEMEANING AND FOR GIRLS; ONLY DO THINGS THE GUYS WAY ONLY. That's why gey guys suck--because they do things that girls do. No, I don't mean in the stereotypical, gheys like Project Runway kind of way. I mean in the geys go down on other guys way (that shit is awesome, I know, but that's not the popular perception YET). All kinds of guys are into sports, or into acheiving, or into making someone proud, whoever that person may be. That's not the point of this paragraph. The point is this: a young, closeted male has been fed this skewed view of masculinity, and, since he has discovered this gey stuff inside of him, he now hates himself, and he hates the outward representation, or symbol, of this femininity he in no way wants to be associated--females.

But he can't go around bashing chicks all day, because he'll look like a total homo. Girls are onto this. So, what he's got to do is pig chicks out, bro. He's got to get with chicks (which he can, because gay guys are hot, it's science) and refuse to commit. He's got to move from one chick to the next, because straight guys respect guys who get a lot of tail and WE ALL JUST WANT RESPECT FROM OUR TARGET DEMO! Yeah, young straight guys is, like, the worst target demo ever, partly because youth is fleeting, but a closet-case isn't thinking this far ahead. He just needs to get through high school, through college, through his first marriage... Sure, if he's not entirely masculine, guys will call him a fag, but it'll be cool, just joshin you homey, because he's gonna go tear up the dance floor at the party later (or just play the laidback dickhead that girls seem to love so much), then he's gonna home with a hot chick and bang her. She will think he's kinda cool and set up another date. On this date, he will be a dick to her, maybe make her feel bad about stuff that really just represents his inner turmoil, not problems she should really be concerned with. His friends will ask, whatever happened to Hot Chick. Our Closet-Case will call her a cunt and say that all sluts are the same, and his boys will laugh and think how fucking true that shit is, dog; girls CANNOT be trusted, y'know?

This cycle will be perpetuated endlessly. Maybe his friends will mature a bit, ask him why he doesn't just settle down with a nice girl, since he's hooked up with a couple cool chicks who ended up with cool dudes. He'll say how he's not wifey material and this shit will be so true! He'll chug the last sip of his redbull and vodka and, since he did work today, he'll go home early because he's tired. Or maybe because that guy was at the party tonight--that guy that makes him uncomfortable because of the way he looks at him when they talk (always briefly, only ever at parties), and how he is just SO DAMN SMART for absolutely no reason, you know? He's cool, but he doesn't really like to go out, only gets dragged to these things because of his roommates, who he came out to a couple semesters ago (you're friends make fun of him, and you laugh when they do). No, our hero, will go home with only his buzz tonight. He will sit on the edge of his bed and not even realize his face scrunching up, his face turning red. He'll notice the crying, though, as always. He'll notice the emptiness inside, because it never goes away. He knows what he has to do, but why does it have to be him? Why does the world have to be against this, and he does he have to be it? The only answer is that shit happens, and we promise it's not as bad as you think it is. We know people say otherwise, but this is your life we're talking about. There's no 'people' in u, man.