In Sports: SCCL's fake boyfriend has time to start a blog now

Only about a week since your Fishbelly declared his forgiveness, love, and support for Mr. Brady Quinn, said Quinn went and fucked up his finger. Then he played football sports (and maybe some other kinds of sports in his private time--if I like something, that means a lot of other people do too) with this ruined hand and ruineded it further, and now the experts are all like, "Oh yeah, btw, your you-wish B-F-F-L is out for the season probly or whatever." And we're all like, "Geezum effing Crow! Now I have to pretend Eli Manning is attractive or just, like, not watch football until the playoffs, like how I only used to watch the last few episode of reality competitions." But we probably won't even do that, not with soccer still on the air. Get better Brady--we'll still write nice stuff about you as long as you don't take this out on h0m0s or nothin. I don't care what country you're from the midwest of, bashing people ain't cool. [washington post]

So what were we saying? Right: soccer.

We are now Manchester United fans! They won today (actually, I think it was a draw, but they progressed in the series or whatever--we have to learn us our soccer lingo) but our non-injured pretend confidante and unhealthy lust object, Cristiano Rinaldo, was injured in the process. One step forward, two steps back, America.

Let's start over: Brady Quinn

The first posting on this site was about Michael Phelps, because he's good-natured and affable enough, plus he has a physique to, erm...aspire to. Plus, how photogenic he is from the neck up is debatable (we think he's just fine) and that's what makes it okay for dudes to openly think he's awesome without getting a pink f-bomb dropped on them. We've loved him (BQ) since Notre Dame, and were pumped that he got drafted into the NFL, even if it was to the Browns who are...well, the Browns. They're named after a color. I dunno, we're not here to judge, though. We're just saying the post wasn't about Quinn, who the camera clearly loves and a true physical role-model for males of all stripes (seriously), because he's too good-looking for straight guys to openly admire without the hate, as we noted.

Straight guys are notoriously wary (jealous) of hot dudes, especially talented ones with steady jobs, like our Mr. Browns QB over here. Every time this guy comes on the television, one of my straight friends hurls a slur at him; it's like he comes on the sceen and their first thought is, "Man, he's fuckin smokin," but their first words are something like, "O man what a homo--him, not me." Or something, you know what I'm saying. He seems polite enough, and I was in the tank for him until he got wasted and yelled The Slur or its variants in public and had to apologize even tho the damage was done. But last night was his first win as starting qb for the Browns, and so we've decided to jump back in the tank, because he's going to need people there for him, because hateration only grows with popularity (and if there is a closet involved in this scenario, the door's gonna pretty be locked, indefinitely, once those endorsements start coming along). So, yes, he's gonna need people--people like us. Keep your head up, buddy.

#6: Having a Girlfriend

Because, socially, it's the logical progression of things. Most people don't know they are gay right away. Some do, but, for some, it is unfathomable--all thought, even gay ones, just seem like random electricity flowing through the brain, and many guys are not the type to start analyzing their feelings and thoughts. Even if a guy meets another guy who he hits it off with (let's say they are 16 years old) their first thought isn't going to be they are in love with that guy; if they think he's kind of cute, this thought will seem weird and will likely be buried. Homophobia might begin to grow in it's place--but though those feelings may not technically be forgotten, it is unlikely they will ever really be acknowledged, at least not while their still in high school, unless they are lucky enough to find someone open and honest enough to allow them to be open and honest. But nobody has time to wait to be saved by TRUE love. So this guy's gonna have to get a girlfriend.

The common misconception is that gay guys can't tell when a girl is hot, which is absolutely ridiculous. Knowing that girls are hot is how gays know that straight guys know when other dudes are hot: 'cuz it don't work that way, Pepe. If you can tell when a male dog is cute, you can tell when a male human is cute (this differs upon taste, as some people have none, obv). But we're here to talk about chicks. People in high school (an beyond, as life doesn't get too much less shallow) What a girlfriend does, on the outside, is tell people, "Hello I hook up with chicks, ok, later not gay !!!1!" Many call this girl a "beard" and, in many cases we've seen, she is the one who pursued the relationship. She liked this cute, maybe funny, maybe kinda charming, guy, and made a boyfriend out of him. She will often find herself disappointed by his seeming lack of interest in anything but brooding or pawing her listlessly OR, on the other end, be enamored by how much like One of The Girls he is.

Not all gay people are the same, so, therefore, not all guys in the closet are the same. There are the ones who want to come out, and will, one day--then there are the, often more macho, guys, who are fundamentally terrified of acknowledging this thing inside of them. Societal instituitions, such as church, and, in many cases, sports and fraternities, also help to keep guys in the closet by nuturing a) environments that praise you for being with women and b) environments that take the piss out of you if you stray from their conception of the heterosexual norm. This is why the term closet-case isn't quite used as a joke around here: I seriously think it's fucked up, and some people have no way out. What the girlfriend does, on the inside, is help this guy convince himself that he's not gonna be charmed by another guy IN THAT WAY, that he's not gonna admire his best friend, Charlie, next time his shirt accidentally pulls up too high, revealing smooth skin and ripples and the like. All this amounts to is a lot of people wasting each others' time, but, for many, what it feels like is their life being saved from teh geighs and how lame it is, and people like Prince tapping their bible with a look of reproach everytime Billy drunkenly finds his way to Dudetube and let's one go, followed by crying and hating himself and calling people fag whenever he gets the chance, because he doesn't know how he's supposed to feel, just knows he doesn't want to feel like this.

#1: Michael Phelps

There is no denying the physical and athletic prowess of an Olympian. They have spent their entire lives crafting their bodies and their abilities, turning their sport into an artform, their arena into a canvass and themselves into the finest of chisels. There has been no greater example of this dedication, in recent years, than Michael Phelps. He set Olympic swimming records only to get bored with the numbers and set new new ones. He is the jovial, All-American athlete that inspires awe, for who among Common Man has anything close to the discipline requred to not drink five nights a week, let alone become the best at anything besides, like, the best beer pong player among their friends or something. Plus, he's got a rockin bod, and this is why closet-cases like him so much.

Here's the thing. Cloesteds like dudes. That's the whole point. And the greatest/worst day of their lives is graduating high school, no longer burdened by the threat of the guys locker room and all the hot, prime-of-the-life flesh sauntering around that place. It's fuckin Chippendales in there, man, no lie! But anyway, they then (unless they get into college sports, which would only compound their problems) go through a plateau, where nubile young straights aren't just disrobing in front of them on a daily basis anymore. They need to see slim, athletic builds, and NO THEY'RE GIRLFRIENDS DO NOT COUNT.

That's where Michael Phelps comes in.

By watching Phelps compete on live television, they get to witness a superb physical specimen that it's okay to ogle, because he's the star of America once every four years. Checking out pictures Zach Efron shirtless on your PC is risky for the closet case; but downloading pics of Phelps is okay because Michael Phelps is awesome and everyone knows it, and his pics are not only all shirtless, there is also an 88% chance he will also be in a speedo, thereby ensuring excellent, socially-acceptable chubby situations. Meaning, there's an inherent excuse as to why you're looking at Phelps topless--it's because he is ALWAYS topless! Plus, there's no pictures of his dong out there, so once the closet case finishes himself off, there's none of the guilt that comes with wacking it to peeny picks, only the REAL AMERICAN PRIDE that comes with splooging all over your stomach in the name of the Greatest Olympian of Our Lifetime! Dude, pretty much everyone's touching themselves over Michael Phelps, one way or another, and the guy probably wants them to, so it's cool. Maybe if Brady Quinn wasn't so covered up all the time, things wouldn't have to be this way, but hey...

WARNING: Openly ogling any of the other swimmers or divers who are also in perfect condition is not acceptable, because swimming is gay.