#1: Michael Phelps

There is no denying the physical and athletic prowess of an Olympian. They have spent their entire lives crafting their bodies and their abilities, turning their sport into an artform, their arena into a canvass and themselves into the finest of chisels. There has been no greater example of this dedication, in recent years, than Michael Phelps. He set Olympic swimming records only to get bored with the numbers and set new new ones. He is the jovial, All-American athlete that inspires awe, for who among Common Man has anything close to the discipline requred to not drink five nights a week, let alone become the best at anything besides, like, the best beer pong player among their friends or something. Plus, he's got a rockin bod, and this is why closet-cases like him so much.

Here's the thing. Cloesteds like dudes. That's the whole point. And the greatest/worst day of their lives is graduating high school, no longer burdened by the threat of the guys locker room and all the hot, prime-of-the-life flesh sauntering around that place. It's fuckin Chippendales in there, man, no lie! But anyway, they then (unless they get into college sports, which would only compound their problems) go through a plateau, where nubile young straights aren't just disrobing in front of them on a daily basis anymore. They need to see slim, athletic builds, and NO THEY'RE GIRLFRIENDS DO NOT COUNT.

That's where Michael Phelps comes in.

By watching Phelps compete on live television, they get to witness a superb physical specimen that it's okay to ogle, because he's the star of America once every four years. Checking out pictures Zach Efron shirtless on your PC is risky for the closet case; but downloading pics of Phelps is okay because Michael Phelps is awesome and everyone knows it, and his pics are not only all shirtless, there is also an 88% chance he will also be in a speedo, thereby ensuring excellent, socially-acceptable chubby situations. Meaning, there's an inherent excuse as to why you're looking at Phelps topless--it's because he is ALWAYS topless! Plus, there's no pictures of his dong out there, so once the closet case finishes himself off, there's none of the guilt that comes with wacking it to peeny picks, only the REAL AMERICAN PRIDE that comes with splooging all over your stomach in the name of the Greatest Olympian of Our Lifetime! Dude, pretty much everyone's touching themselves over Michael Phelps, one way or another, and the guy probably wants them to, so it's cool. Maybe if Brady Quinn wasn't so covered up all the time, things wouldn't have to be this way, but hey...

WARNING: Openly ogling any of the other swimmers or divers who are also in perfect condition is not acceptable, because swimming is gay.