On the internet: Saturdays aren't really big news days

-Do you watch the Survivor? It's supposed to be some show where people walk around half-dressed, on an island, and they get to win money if they are not too irritating/a threat. Anyway, some photogenic gay person was on there, and was supposedly straight-acting, and maybe said some comments before the show would suggest he hates himself (ie. hates homos) but he got kicked off the show recently and SO doesn't hate gay people, just hates that it's so popular for OTHER PEOPLE to hate them/us/him/you. That's his picture right there, for the pervs in the club. [after elton]

-Ashton Kutcher is a hero. [gaywired]

-Here's a depressing story about gays in the military. [denverwestwordblog]

-No ghey marriage until everyone has a job, y'all. [msnbc]

-Here is a story about Harlow Cuadra and how he might be sentenced to death, in 2009, in America. Wanna play a drinking game? Read the article and drink a shot of bleach everytime the writer mentions gay porn for no reason. [timesleader]

In the news: oh, brother

This is a picture of pro footballer Joe Montana's 18 y/o son for you to look at whenever the following news gets too depressing, which it will almost immediately. News:

-There's a club for gays and straights in Florida that can meet now. [ap]

-It's looking like gheys in Washington state will likely get full benefits under civil-unions, making them equitable to marriage, and ppl are pissed because they think marriage will be gunned for next. Look, people: you worship a book of fairy tales. Get the fuck over it. [seattle times]

-They're pushing for that Harvey Milk Day in California--from the article: "The Capitol Resource Institute has previously stated of the attempt to pass a Harvey Milk Day that, "This is yet another example of the campaign to normalize homosexual behavior not just in schools, but in our culture. We must continue to defend our traditional values despite the effort to demolish the very values that established and sustain our nation."" I hate god, like, 99% of the time, y'all. [shewired]

-Sweet, there's more of this shit: "San Francisco Archbishop George Niederauer told the Most Holy Redeemer Church in the city's Castro neighborhood that an Atherton Catholic school's production of a play that details an adolescent's struggle with his homosexuality and his Christian faith was not to be performed. 

Students from Sacred Heart Preparatory, under the direction of drama instructor John Loschmann, have produced an adaption of Alex Sanchez's controversial novel The God Box entitled "Be Still and Know."" [msnbc]

-People who want to adopt kids (you know what kind of people) face off with Florida for the sake of that right. [miamiherald]

picture from here

If Zack Efron stumbled into your bedroom drunk, and asked to pass out in your bed with you, would you let him, or make him crash on the couch?

I don't really want to know, I'm just asking for my friend.

In the news: Prop h8-erade

"Gordon Brown has condemned California's ban on gay marriage as "unacceptable" and warned people to be vigilant against all forms of discrimination.

The prime minister said the ban, backed in a referendum in the US state in November, would "undo" much of recent progress made in tackling prejudice.

California became the 28th US state to prohibit gay marriage, overturning an earlier court ruling legalising it.

Same-sex civil partnerships became law in the UK in 2005." [bbc]

-the New York Times talks about this shtuff too, you guys. [nyt]

-That Brent Corrigan case is still going on, but ending soon. Hence the picture. [msnbc]

#16: Beating their girlfriends?

I dunno. Closetcases are known mysogonists, as they perceive gayness as feminine, and since they are gay, and hate themselves, they also hate girls, at least while they're still in the closet. So, like, it's conceivable, y'all. Just saying.

Pending, you guys.

In the news: pertinent things

- There are still people who listen when the pope speaks. These are called Catholics, but then they also get outraged  when he says stuff they don't like. JUST STOP LISTENING! How hard is that? [canada]

-There's a dumb ad where Shaq acts in a manner which could be construed as homophobic. It has since been pulled. [adrants]

-Homophobia is still a problem, y'all, even for Lance Bass. [las vegas weekly]

-Prop 8 hearings in March. [gcn]

-"According to Democratic strategist Elaine Kamarck, the passage of Proposition 8 does not have serious long term implications for the LGBT community’s future within the Democratic Party. "The support for gay issues of all sorts is strongly correlated to age,” she explained in an interview with the HPR. “If you look at longitudinal polling, this is the fastest-changing social issue ever; it is all about generational change.” As today’s young people make up a larger share of the electorate, same-sex marriage will begin to become less controversial as a political issue." [harvard political review]

=========================================================

IN ADDITION:

A note to Nick Jonas - 

Um, hi, Nick. Can you do me and other bloggers/internet peoples a really, really big favor, bro? Nah, it's not even, like, a big deal or whatever, but could you, um, maybe hurry up and turn 18 already? I know, I don't even know you, but, look, there are just some things that I would like to say about you, and even if it's okay to say them now, I would just be more comfortable if you were of a generally agreed upon legal age before I said them. So, yeah, just turn 18. It'd be awesome.

Cool, bro. Later days, I guess. (miss you)

#14: Christian Bale

We'll make this quick, since it's obvious, and not everything needs to be all philosophical all the time. But Christain Bale is hot, and closetcases and Out Gays need for guys to be hot in order for them to actually exist, you know? That's just  how life works. Cute people are real, ugly people remind us of how dead we are inside. So Chrissy Bale fullfills this hotness through tireless hours at the gym/being photogenic. But what he also is, is Batman, of the Dark Knights, you guys. This makes him safe to like, because if you're wasted and mutter, "god, I love Christain Bale" while watching him appear on the Jiminy Kimmel Show with your bros, they'll be all like, "Yeah, I can't wait for the next Batman movie. What's Chris Nolan waiting for?" They WILL NOT be like, "You're a fag. You just want to get his dick wet, bro." Of course, the latter is the truth, but they won't know that, because you're so good at hiding your gayness that no one, ever, in history, will ever suspect that you're just using your girlfriend until you have the courage to finally kill yourself for being such a homo. 

#12: Societies General Ignorance About What 'Gay' Actually Is, and What it Isn't

Because if everyone actually understood homosexuality, they would realize you're a total closetcase.  

The way it works, 80% of the country is Christian, and, historically, but, most importantly, in the now, Evangelical Christians have been the most vocally outspoken against teh gays. It's science. But, what that also means is that the majority of the American Gays were raised Christian, but only the gay ones know that there's nothing they could do about it. They like cock and that's that. The myth of it being a choice is a misconception that allows even the most flaming of closetcases to 'not be gay' because they are 'choosing not to live that lifestyle'. What people aren't realizing is You Are Gay. You don't pick that shit. So that totally gay dude is totally gay, he just isn't acting on it. Do you know how 'gay' I was when I was a kid? Very. I probably got butcher as I got older, but, seriously, there wasn't a lot of choice going on there. I wasn't into peens til puberty, but I was a total homo way before sex was an option.

A coworker defended a prominent celebrity from 'being called gay' by saying, "He can't be gay, he's a christian." I wanted to throw a bucket of dead frogs at her, but this only goes to show the misconception, and how closetcases use it to their advantage. Sure, if everyone was tolerant, there'd be no need to be a 'case to begin with, but these are the people helping to perpetuate this cycle. Knowing more gays, and knowing MORE ABOUT gays would help homosexuals have a better time in the world, but closetcases are not intersted in this. They only want to cover their own asses. They want to marry some poor-sap straight girl, who will totally marry this gey guy ('cause gay guys are hot, especially closetcases), and then raise a bunch of intolerant kids who can go on spreading the ignorance that serves as a cover for future generations of repressed 'cases.*

Because 'cases are angry. At themselves, at the world. They have nothing to gain from encouraging their Actually Straight counterparts to educate themselves. Nobody wants to believe science--they want to believe what they are told by people who don't scare them. Fancy scientists, with their elitist tests and measurements are the enemy in this country, and in the Middle East and the Black Community and stuff. It is in these regions that the closetcase can feel the safest, can persecute the most, and can hid in a house of ignorace, forever.

*The idea being, people are born Christian, not born gay, that they chose to be that way. This ignorance makes people not only feel safer, but 'better' than gay people. It allows them to believe that 'something is wrong' with gay people. They will say things like, "Something's wrong with that guy, don't know what it is" or "He acts funny sometimes." Because being gay is like being Edward Scissorhands--the world does not get you, they just know that you must be destroyed.

pics via LNP and CS

On Mt. Olympus: Golden Globe Nominations

Okay, so the Golden Glurb nominations were released (or what have you) today, and two things: Well actually three: One, I'm not even pissed about cool movies being skipped over in favor of movies that tuck in their dress shirts when grandma comes over, because who really gives a shit about these things? 2)To contradict that, I'm happy about True Blood getting recognized, even if they invited Entourage even though we asked them not to, and we're also happy our pretend fake lover James Franco got nominated even if it's sort of a joke (did they like him so much, and HATE Milk so much, that they had to do this?).

And THREE: the actors might have to go on strike before this shit even goes down. THE THING IS, if I was an actor, the last thing I would want to do, for me, or for my fans, is go on strike during the the Economic Doomsday Crisis of the Aughts. It would be shitty, but THEN if I screwed my financial situtation down the road because of this temporary, albeit years long, crisis, then I would be pissed down the road, since my lifestyle would be based on this millionaire sitch I'd be in, and I'd be needing that money, y'know? So I would kinda have to go on strike, becase it would affect my future, not just my right now. So who knows what they'll do, but if they don't strike, it would be kind of stupid of them. I would respect them, and totally understand, and it would very much suck, but they would be dumb if they didn't. Okay fin

In the media: the Jonas Brothers

I find it very difficult to hate the Jonas Brothers. And I hate everyONE and everyTHING. Seriously, think of a noun, and I probably have something awful to say about it. People ask me why I'm so quiet, and that's why: I am brimming with vitriol, people. But, with the JBz, AS I CHOOSE TO CALL THEM, they are so fundamentally opposite everything I strive for (except money) that I have no choice but to embrace them, you know? Sure, they love Jesus and I blaspheme and spit in god's face at every chance I get. They are upbeat and my heart is blacker than the crudest of fossil fuels. The only thing we have in common is how much we likely touch ourselves, and yet they probably have more buttsecks than me (because they are Pure and buttsecks doesn't count in the eyes of Jesus).

I love bands that let seep through some semblance of honesty, but I am open to like most anything (the newish song "Kill the Lights" by Britney Spears is appreciated by me these days as much as the bulk of Mr. Oizo's Lamb's Anger lp, as much as Ten Kens, a band I am recently digging), yet cannot find an angle from which to fully embrace the Bro-bros music, or to not feel weird even listening to it (there's something about it that says Stay Away). Someone on some board somewhere today pointed out how these guys have a full band that plays along with them, and I think this speaks of the larger problem: they are controlled by Disney, and Disney is a money-hungry, brand-spewing monster. Britney Spears' life is a crudely-polished turd right now, and if the JBz suffer the same fate, I'll be kind of annoyed at the world, because there are three of them, and they're brothers, and they should be looking out for each other, and not getting brainwashed by big corpos or even their 'rents, as kids say these days, right?? So maybe they'll be okay. But, I dunno. Nick, the youngest, has been in show bizness THE LONGEST. His parents (and I'm speculating here) have to be scumbags on some level--smart, bizness savvy, sure, but they are loving the money coming in, and who wouldn't?? But still, I find myself constantly defending them. I dunno--with the aforemention Ms. Spears, I basically coveted her downfall since I was in high school. I just wanted that bitch (sorry) to go down, just bein honest. But now that she has, it sucks and now I know I was a jerk.

So, Jonases? Please, if management starts crushing up vikes handing out lines after the show, or offers you their scrip of addies shaped like Flinstones vitamens before a Regis and Kelly taping, SAY NO. Life is long, and it's tremendous, and as long as your goal, growing up, is to be cool™, and understanding™, and to learn as much as possible, you'll be fine. But if evangelicalism (?) proves to be the Titanic I think it might be (I am wrong a lot, though, guys, and I care, really sorta I guess) then promise me that you won't go down with the ship. I will continue to defend you, and I apologize if this came across as condescending.

NOTE: I think I am only interested because (a) whoever styles them has wicked sense of style and I want anything Nick wears and (b) I am fully down with raising Joe's kids.

Just say the word, bro. [pictures via Variety]

On Teevee: The American Music Awards

CHAPTER ONE: AMAs

After a certain age, human animals should be able to give up a couple fantasies they've used to protect themselves growing up, Lord Space Santa might be the ticket for some people. What I had to give up was the idea that American award shows actually mean anything. They don't. I mean, some of the film ones do, like the Oscars. The Oscars are classy, and also they are comptetitive, so it kind of means something if you win (unless you are Diablo Cody), kind of like getting into an Ivy League school, or having an iPhone. In that way, the Spirit Awards probably kind of mean something too, as many of those awards overlap anyway (the jury is still out on the Golden Globes). But anybody with the maturity level of an American 17-year-old should know that the Grammys mean nothing. When there are awesome indie bands that get totally ignored because they don't get rotation on old-school venues (broadcast radio, mtv), but Alicia Keys sweeps or Timbaland sweeps (while Justice has to settle for making out with each other)...let's just say that most people watch these things for the pretty pictures of Miley, or to see if Xtina humps her mic stand or fellates a bible or something. Y'know, American music type stuff!


It's also fun to see who wins, then get outraged because it's inconsequential, esp. after the Nov 4th election, right? Well, whatever, ABC dot com has your full list of winners, BUT, I have to warn you, Alvin and the Chipmunks is among them. Investigate at your own peril, bros.

In the news: What'd we miss?

*People want James Franco (our hero) to care either way about playing gay characters, so they're asking him what it's like to play gay characters. Says Franco, "It's kinda gay." (not really) [mercury news]

*Anybody who has ever used Eharmony knows that you have to like god's version of sex in order to find a match there, but the company just had to, like, pay New Jersey a bunch of money because that is in direct violation of the gay constitution, and now they have to help closet-cases find hook-ups too or something. I don't know, I can't read, and it's Friday. [wsj]

*Gay people text-messaged Barack Obama "wat's up wit gay marage?" and he hasn't texted them back yet, so they're going to focus on some other issues for the time being. He's got til 2010, or they're going to start spamming his Facebook page and talking shit about him to their mutual friends. [usa today]

*Since Cali dropped the ball, Vermont wants to be the "cool" state by letting people marry each other there. [ap]

*Barry O also says to wait up on that rescinding of Don't Ask Don't Tell. He'll call you back when he knows something. [upi]

On the websites: Defamer talks the Advocate talking SNL

Our favorite writer on Defamer (and of the entire current Gawker network, give or take a couple people, whatever, that's not the point) is Seth, who has blown our minds with his punchlines to even the most mundane of post subjects; we want to be more like him, is our point. But whatever, today he covered the Advocate (short for "the Devil's Advocate," we're sure) and their interview with Seth Myers of SNL, where they talked about how gay last week's episode was. I noticed it was pretty ghey, and most wouldn't complain about Andy Samberg making out with dudes and stuff, so I was wondering what the beef was, when it was clear Defamer wasn't totally in the tank for some of the skits presented. And so here's the beef, according to Seth (Defamer versz):

The point isn't that the writing was mean-spirited; it's that it's lazy, and
dated, and relies on gayness as a punchline unto itself. Two openly gay
mechanics in love bickering over their wedding plans is actually a premise that
could produce some well-observed comedy. But two deeply closeted mechanics
admitting to sucking dick in glory holes, then suddenly announcing their
engagement, is something else entirely. It's a Yes on 8 ad.

And while we're sure some of their best writers are gay, you know what might help even more? How about convincing Lorne Michaels to hire his first openly gay SNL cast member? (And Terry Sweeney doesn't count. That was the Dick Ebersol-produced season.) HAHAHA! Just kidding—we know that will never happen. Who's going to laugh at two guys sucking face when you know one's totally getting his rocks by Andy Samberg off while doing it?[defamer]

We wanted to disagree with him immediately (without the election, SNL needed to do something topical, and this was what they went for), but pretty much, he's got a point. But it's really hard to tell sometimes when one (me) is being a stick in the mud for not being cool with gay humor (young people calling stuff "gay" and shizz like that) and when we're legitimately supposed to be offended because we have been, well, offended. But I do remember squirming during the skit he mentions above, but sometimes it's like I spend the whole day squirming, plus I'm sure I was drunk, so, yeah, maybe if everyone just starts being nice to us, our emotional responses to SNL skits won't be so confusing.

In the news: Because news is less boring when you're just looking at the pictures

* "In a spirit of inclusion and transparency in government, President-Elect Barack Obama has chosen seven openly gay transition officials to assist in preparing for the new administration, with details about the transition team appearing online for public inspection." [edge boston]

*Remember when some peoples were gonna make an all-gay high school? No, no, not a Mormon high school. And no, not East High School in Salt Lake. Whatever, we don't really remember it either, our point is, their scrapping it, and we can't help but be kind of happy about that. Dunno... [Chitown daily]

* "Vermont lawmakers will once again be looking at the idea of allowing gay couples to marry. Senator John Campbell says he plans to introduce a bill in January that legalizes same-sex marriage." [wcax]

*Chuck Norris says some stuff you would expect from a chuck norris-type o guy. [defamer]

On the websites: Slash isn't evil

So, Guns N Roses is awesome, largely because of Appetite for Destruction and maybe, like, six or seven songs from the Use Your Illusions, but mostly because of Slash and Izzy (Axl's cool too, but is a douche; he's cool on rock star terms only, which are significantly different (almost useless), when compared with real world terms). Anyway, Slash is more valuable than Axl, as we already knew, but MusicRadar reminds us:

In a new YouTube video, Slash appears in the background playing the American national anthem, The Star-Spangled Banner. Meanwhile, his wife Perla Hudson speaks out on behalf of same-sex unions.

She says: "I married my sweetheart, you should be able to marry yours too.
Say no to hate, and yes to equal rights. Keep up the fight."

During Slash's time in Guns N' Roses, accusations of homophobia were
levelled at the band, in particular frontman Axl Rose. This was in no small part
down to the song One In A Million in which Rose uses the term "faggots", who are
said to "spread some fucking disease". [musicradar]

So, Slash, who was in one of the most badass hardrock bands ever formed, is cool with himself and others, yet Prince, a professional Tinkerbell impersonator (Purple Rain was great, I know), has his ice-skating uni in a twist? I wonder what the youtube commenter intelligentsia is going to have to say about this.

Um...yeah: Isaiah Washington breaks his silence

So Grey's Anatomy, America's alternative to Dancing with the Stars and painkillers, had a lesbian character on it, and ABC totally had her cut from the show and now her love-interest likes dick again since the only other lesbian got fired because ABC hates all the mincing about and swishiness associated with dykey bulldyke lesbos, and Isaiah Washington will not be having any of this, because this is almost 2009, and Lindsay Lohan is America's gay best-friend, and gay people are the new awesome. From teh Star Ledger:

Isaiah Washington, who got canned from "Grey's Anatomy" for using the gay
slur against co-star T.R. Knight, criticized ABC for firing Brooke Smith, who
played a fledgling lesbian on the show. Though show creator Shonda Rhimes
insists Smith did not get fired because of her Sapphic storyline, Washington
says the dismissal was "harsh."

"The fact is that, just before the holidays, you have a mother, a wonderful actress removed from a steady income without the proper reasoning behind it," he tells TVGuide.com. [sl]

Okay, that's sad we gess, but let's go back and hang out with that quote a little: "who got canned...for using THE gay slur!" The slur? There's only one now? Is that supposed to be subtle, Star-Ledger humor? I'm guessing faggot is THE gay slur du jour these days, popularized by Isaiah Washington's rage issues and certified by the Star-Ledger, approved by America. Next time someone calls me a flamer or colon-raider, I'll laugh in their face and be all, "Haha, you're stupid that's not even the gay slur, dad."

In the news: Homophobia Roundup

*First up, news from across the pond, shedding a stark spotlight on a startling new discovery: kids like to say things are gay, especially things like their teachers and people they don't like, who will in turn rat them out to pollsters and stuff:

'A SHOCK survey has found eighty five per cent of teachers hear homophobic abuse
in schools every week. And over half who took part in the study - based on
five Oldham secondary schools - said they had been a target for homophobic abuse
themselves.

Officials at the National Union of Teachers, who commissioned the survey, say the results are shocking. Tony Harrison, from the Oldham branch of the NUT, said:

"Not only do 85 per cent of teachers hear homophobic abuse of staff or pupils each week but over half the teachers who responded have been the target of homophobic abuse themselves by pupils during the school year." [Manchester Evening News]'

Recently I've felt like a prude, 'cause it seems like gay people seem to be kind of okay with this 'gay' thing being thrown around as slang for something you'd wish to do without. Personally, I think it's lazy and boorish thinking that makes someone call a lamp gay for blowing out during an electrical storm, but maybe it's just that American culture only requires consumer minds to be lazy and boorish, and so calling stuff gay ends up just being normal. In elementary school, a teacher told me that I shouldn't use the word 'weird' when I write, because it doesn't really mean anything--I feel the same way abuot this. I know gay people use it too, but I think that's kind of a gay thing to do when people are out there protesting for equal rights and afraid to come out because it could ruin their careers. Just...just really gay, guys, really.

*Next up, we have a first in American history, so hold onto your hats: a rapper is homophobic! I know, I know, it's insane, but apparently this rapper named [redacted, fuck him], who is affiliated with Eminem in some way, and who has to be a pretty awful emcee if I'm only hearing about him because he hates dudes that fuck each other, buttsecks-wise (sample lyric, seriously: "Ain't no other way to say He's a fuckking faggot so I'm lettin' off my AK Bust 'em in his forehead He ain't worth lettin' live...").

Over at The Quietus, they've got some thotfull words on the subject, more thoughtful than I am typicaly capable, at least:

Through the Stop Murder Music campaign, there has been a lot of focus on
homophobic lyrics in the music industry, particularly those that incite violence
against gay and lesbian people. Artists like Buju Banton, Bounty Killa, Capleton
and Beenie Man have seen their concerts cancelled and their tracks dropped from
airplay all over the world. Their stubborn refusal to stop their violent
anti-gay solicitations to murder has seriously damaged their careers and I often
wonder if, for them, it's really worth it. Is it worth squandering your talent,
your career, your art, your livelihood on promoting hatred and violence? So if
homophobia doesn't pay, why is [redacted, fuck him, in the back] going down this route? That is a question only he can answer. [The Quietus]

There's a lot about free speech in the actual article so go read the real thing, cuz it's better.

*Finally, for now, Prince would like gay people to know that god pretty much hates them, as per his book of choose-your-own-meaning, anti-bottoming allegories, the Bible.

Whatever you say, bro.

On the blogs: COACD on the Coop

I put COACD on the blog roll here because I used to go there to check out the models, but I hadn't been there in a while, and openly advocating made me feel like I should make the trip. Scrolling down in search of moddles to investigate, I come across a post about my favorite propostion as well as a little note toward America's newscaster and loving, nurturing, and milk-skinned boyfriend, Anderson Hays Cooper:

Anderson Cooper needs to come out of the closet and should have used CNN as a
platform last week to educate all viewers on Prop 8. It kills me to see him
lower himself using airtime talking about Real Housewifes of Atlanta, trust me I
love that show. But the fact that we can elect the first black president and not
overcome homophobia in California is pathetic. Anderson Step it up!

Words emboldened by the video only a couple posts up of a t-shirt clad aryan boy flexing his muscles for an unseen cameramen just feet away. But she's right, right? Um, Wanda Sykes technically came out, at a Prop 8ight rally no less, so that's a good thing, and a thought to latch onto the next time you race toward the bathroom at work cuz you gotta pee really bad, and security stops you and points to the Straight Mens' Only sign above the restroom door, you'll be confused for a couple of moments until he turns his pointed index finger and aims it at an unkempt, wooden outhouse, the word Geigh scrawled in chalk across its rickety, termite-infested door.



[coacd]
[gawker]

#4: James Franco

Any respectable dudebro digs movies. Not foreign films or musicals (although there are shades of gray in both of these cases, as Ong Bak is technically foreign, but also considered badass by most straight accounts), but any movie present, at some point, in the US box office's top ten. It is also permitted to have favorite actors or actresses. Your favorite actress MUST be hot. There is no negotiating this; if she isn't hot, then you must have a logically sound argument as to why you think she is. Your favorite actor, on the other hand, has to be cool. The word cool covers a lot of ground, from Will Smith, to Tom Hanks, to Heath Ledger (Dark Knight version only); Tom Cruise is not cool--neither is someone like Jude Law or something. But gays are as shallow as the lord himself, and so his favorite actor must also be hot, but not by choice--we are born this way. For one to be in the closet however, it is tough to explain why Channing Tatum is his favorite actor. I mean, he's fine and all, but that's not going to go over so well with your bros. You need somebody who gives you abnormal pulse disorder AND won't ruin your life and have your parents disown you because they hate buttsecks.

That's where James Franco comes in. Firstly, he's adorbs beyond compare, and this is inarguable. Secondly, he's been working with Judd Apatow for years, and everyone needs a favorite Apatow Player, and throwing out Franco's name might even land you street cred, which is a bonus, no matter what your goals in life may be. Everyone loves Jonah Hill, but the perceptive movie goer is the one who appreciates Franco's subtlety (make sure to use a word like "subtlety" or "good-natured" and not "dimples" or "swoon!"). PLUS, you'll be gaining pre-emptive geigh-cred, for when you finally come out, because Franco seems like a genuinely nice guy, and is slowly becoming a gay icon in his own right, which is awesome.

So, closeteds, remember, we love you no matter how things turn out. And, as far as lust objects go, you could do worse.

(NOTE: Real life "Francos" may not all be well-read and into "art" and "gay rights" and stuff--they might be assholes who string you along, only to dump your ass when you've finally decided to open your heart to him. They might also be Closets who will crush you the moment you become a possible liability. Just make sure you have a support system is all we're sayin, k? We really do worry...)