In stores: A Cross the Universe

I would never suggest someone spend money, especially during the Global Economic Collapse of 2008/end of the world as we know it. But something I want to see is the Justice short documentary A Cross the Universe. I'm kind of afraid to watch it, because they are kind of my favorite "band" right now (of Ed Bangers, they tie with SebastiAn for my fondness, with Mr Oizo and Uffie tied for second), and I'm scared watching this will change my image of them. Of course, though, I have no idea what that image is. I don't know what they can say or do to make me respect their music less, but sometimes it just pays to not know so much about yr idols (although after learning they kiss before each show, I can't imagine there's some terrible thing they do to cancel out such novel idiosyncracy). Whatever, all of this is to say that Exclaim dot ca has an interview with them here. Wocka-wocka...

Production notes: Zack & Miri

So, more or less, I got to see Zack & Miri Make Adult-Oriented Materials last night and here are thoughts:

- Seth Rogen sometimes comes off like he's trying too hard, maybe that's because most of the diaglogue is Kevin Smith's, and it can be kind of abrasive sometimes. Overall though, he's good and says funny shit, which is why he's there. Also, he totally wasn't losing weight for his new movie yet, 'cause homeboy is looking kind of big here (not that there's anything wrong with that).

-Elizabeth Banks is very good.

-I lol'd more than once.

-Brandon Routh comes across as a very nice guy and is very photogenic.

-Tisha Campbell is in it.

-Justin Long's gay-guy impression is not really the awesomest. He plays a raspy, effeminate ghey with a sorta faux-classiness that is kind of annoying. Why Justin Long chose to interpret the character this way and why Kevin Smith thought it worked is beyond me (unless he is described in the script this way). It's minstrel-y (not to get all Rosie O'D on a muthafucker), and it's not like Justin Long gets many chances to be anyone but the Mac Guy that everyone hates. I mean, he's not THAT butch! He could have basically played himself and it would've been gay enough (but his character does have an issue with being femmy and dating a 'straight guy' so I guess it had to play this way, whatever, it's his movie, not mine, he can play it however he wants. Incidentally, this is the same issue I had with the dude in the leather jacket in Chasing Amy. Incidentally still, Chasing Amy is a pretty good movie worthy of respect, so whatever.)

[picture from lat]

update: that was a post, really, about nothing

In the world: Leftovers

*The Rugby Football League is starting a campaign to fight homophobia, as an addition of work they do with the LGB community, not because their fans hate gay people. Cool beenz either way, yes? One of their players came out years ago, and nobody's head exploded, so they think it might help everyone to get over it also. [brand republic]

*A call in England to squelch a bit of the old h-phobia, as is it's on the rise, they say. [W&B Times]

*In Australia, two public health officials think gays are tatamount to insane peoples, so their having hearings about it. Or something. [telegraph]

*Most of these stories I find on homophobia are from out of the UK. Why is that?

*myPartner dot com is afraid that eHarmonies new Homo Matchmakingz department will be too awesome and will thusly destroy them. [marketwatch]

*Oh, Mike Huckabee is an idiot and either uninformed, misinformed, or a liar. [prideSource]

*Being gay sucks, but more if you live in Iran. Just sayin. [hurriyet]

*Look--gay marriage is likely not happening for, like, years. We get it. [nytimes]

Oh, lastly, googling 'rugby players' at work might get you fired. Just putting it out there; (these guys play(ed) for Duke, btw...

Holiday overshare: Wrestling

I often feel really, really bad posting images on this site and making that be all there is to the post. But this is our first holiday together (this site is like 3 weeks old, you see) and since the holidays are about indulging in revenge fantasies against your parents for turning you into a hollow blob incapable of loving himself or others, from which children cower, why not also make it a time to indulge in some things that have been on your mind. For me, one of those things has been wrestling, and how smelly guys can be, yet how nobody ever has that complaint about wrestling. Spreading herpes, sure--but not being smelly. Go figure. Whatever, the point is, one of my friends used to wrestle in high school, and he still keeps tabs, and he's not totally h-phobic or anything (he is MY friend), I think he would be annoyed if I pointed out the inherent erotica of traditional wrestling (not that WWE shit).

In America: Thanksgiving

This week, your Fishbelly is spending less time in the office because it's a holiday. Thanksgiving is one of the undisputed American holidays, in that there is no real War on Thanksgiving, mostly because there are no Turkey Zealots out there to call it that. But there are people who like to keep it real in regards to the holiday, so in honor of this, SCCL is presenting, via the History Channel, the History of Thanksgiving, because what do you really know about the day, except that your relatives can be smug sometimes, and that pilgrims were inherently afraid of these peoples they didn't understand, and that their generational offspring isn't really all that much different. [History]

In the news: Because we're on holiday in two hours

...But we still have to work on friday!! HAHAHAHAHA WE'RE POOR! O there is news 2:

*Be thankful that you aren't getting hosed down and beat up all goddamn day; conservatism is stagnation, and has no choice but to lose. Things ARE changing. [detroit news]

*Obama is perfect and will paint the American flag pink and and off-white, because those are cute colors together (I dunno). [Bay Windows]

*Harvey Milk was pretty awesome, too. [huffpo]

*Florida gets kicked in the nuts, from behind, as their abortion ban gets deemed unconstitutional. STOP MAKING DOUCHEBAG LAWS! They will always be struck down, at some point in history. With your free time, make a plan on how you will come out of the closet instead. Send us emailz and we will announce it here! [nytimes]

*Mormons may have been shady with their monies, and The Terminator State will look into this. Now from my favorite, irrelevant line from T2: "Hold this." [freep]

* "Gay rights leaders hope to build a $1-million war chest to defend any judge threatened with recall for ruling in favor of gay marriage, leaders announced during a conference call with supporters Tuesday night." [lat]

* "The Ministry of Defence (MoD) has been ordered to pay nearly £190,000 to a lesbian soldier who was sexually harassed by a male sergeant." [BBC]

*Dumb hicks in Kansas hate gay people and aren't remotely self-conscious about it, for they are too ignorant, and so hold sign saying Obama is the anti-kryst, and reminding everyone that Jesus died before his roommate could get him drunk and explore bodies with him. [the oregonian]

In Sports: SCCL's fake boyfriend has time to start a blog now

Only about a week since your Fishbelly declared his forgiveness, love, and support for Mr. Brady Quinn, said Quinn went and fucked up his finger. Then he played football sports (and maybe some other kinds of sports in his private time--if I like something, that means a lot of other people do too) with this ruined hand and ruineded it further, and now the experts are all like, "Oh yeah, btw, your you-wish B-F-F-L is out for the season probly or whatever." And we're all like, "Geezum effing Crow! Now I have to pretend Eli Manning is attractive or just, like, not watch football until the playoffs, like how I only used to watch the last few episode of reality competitions." But we probably won't even do that, not with soccer still on the air. Get better Brady--we'll still write nice stuff about you as long as you don't take this out on h0m0s or nothin. I don't care what country you're from the midwest of, bashing people ain't cool. [washington post]

So what were we saying? Right: soccer.

We are now Manchester United fans! They won today (actually, I think it was a draw, but they progressed in the series or whatever--we have to learn us our soccer lingo) but our non-injured pretend confidante and unhealthy lust object, Cristiano Rinaldo, was injured in the process. One step forward, two steps back, America.

It's, like, a metaphor, man...

You know? (starts laughing)

#8: Promiscuity

The good ol' fashioned hetero kind. Because homophobia is basically mysogony. That's not totally my own theorum--I think Dan Savage talked about this in an interview, but it's probably the truest thing out of anything we will ever talk about here. You see, guys, as a whole (we're not talking about dudes who are cool as hell, cuz those guys're cool), but, uh...oh right, guys tend to see women as inferior, but not necessarily because they have a philosophy against women, per se. For example, they think chicks are h0t and stuff. It's just a matter of how they view existence, it's how the language is constructed, how our society is skewed, even subliminally. Guys "throw like girls", or "run like girls," or wear tight jeans, like "girls' jeans." (You've heard this before, just bear with us). When a girl tells another girl to "man up," it means be strong, to fight, stand up for yourself, for what you want or what you believe. When a guy tells another guy (or a girl tells another girl) to not be such a girl about shit, they don't mean "don't be thoughtful" or "don't consider how this will make you feel in the long run." They essentially mean, don't be annoying--don't think with your heart (hearts like little fags that live in your chest). Man up forever, yo.

So, like we said, being a girl sucks. Guys brag about when a girl inserts their penine into their mouth-holes because haha she totally ate that shit, bro! Do you get it? THE THINGS THAT GIRLS DO, THOSE THINGS ARE DEMEANING AND FOR GIRLS; ONLY DO THINGS THE GUYS WAY ONLY. That's why gey guys suck--because they do things that girls do. No, I don't mean in the stereotypical, gheys like Project Runway kind of way. I mean in the geys go down on other guys way (that shit is awesome, I know, but that's not the popular perception YET). All kinds of guys are into sports, or into acheiving, or into making someone proud, whoever that person may be. That's not the point of this paragraph. The point is this: a young, closeted male has been fed this skewed view of masculinity, and, since he has discovered this gey stuff inside of him, he now hates himself, and he hates the outward representation, or symbol, of this femininity he in no way wants to be associated--females.

But he can't go around bashing chicks all day, because he'll look like a total homo. Girls are onto this. So, what he's got to do is pig chicks out, bro. He's got to get with chicks (which he can, because gay guys are hot, it's science) and refuse to commit. He's got to move from one chick to the next, because straight guys respect guys who get a lot of tail and WE ALL JUST WANT RESPECT FROM OUR TARGET DEMO! Yeah, young straight guys is, like, the worst target demo ever, partly because youth is fleeting, but a closet-case isn't thinking this far ahead. He just needs to get through high school, through college, through his first marriage... Sure, if he's not entirely masculine, guys will call him a fag, but it'll be cool, just joshin you homey, because he's gonna go tear up the dance floor at the party later (or just play the laidback dickhead that girls seem to love so much), then he's gonna home with a hot chick and bang her. She will think he's kinda cool and set up another date. On this date, he will be a dick to her, maybe make her feel bad about stuff that really just represents his inner turmoil, not problems she should really be concerned with. His friends will ask, whatever happened to Hot Chick. Our Closet-Case will call her a cunt and say that all sluts are the same, and his boys will laugh and think how fucking true that shit is, dog; girls CANNOT be trusted, y'know?

This cycle will be perpetuated endlessly. Maybe his friends will mature a bit, ask him why he doesn't just settle down with a nice girl, since he's hooked up with a couple cool chicks who ended up with cool dudes. He'll say how he's not wifey material and this shit will be so true! He'll chug the last sip of his redbull and vodka and, since he did work today, he'll go home early because he's tired. Or maybe because that guy was at the party tonight--that guy that makes him uncomfortable because of the way he looks at him when they talk (always briefly, only ever at parties), and how he is just SO DAMN SMART for absolutely no reason, you know? He's cool, but he doesn't really like to go out, only gets dragged to these things because of his roommates, who he came out to a couple semesters ago (you're friends make fun of him, and you laugh when they do). No, our hero, will go home with only his buzz tonight. He will sit on the edge of his bed and not even realize his face scrunching up, his face turning red. He'll notice the crying, though, as always. He'll notice the emptiness inside, because it never goes away. He knows what he has to do, but why does it have to be him? Why does the world have to be against this, and he does he have to be it? The only answer is that shit happens, and we promise it's not as bad as you think it is. We know people say otherwise, but this is your life we're talking about. There's no 'people' in u, man.

On Teevee: The American Music Awards

CHAPTER ONE: AMAs

After a certain age, human animals should be able to give up a couple fantasies they've used to protect themselves growing up, Lord Space Santa might be the ticket for some people. What I had to give up was the idea that American award shows actually mean anything. They don't. I mean, some of the film ones do, like the Oscars. The Oscars are classy, and also they are comptetitive, so it kind of means something if you win (unless you are Diablo Cody), kind of like getting into an Ivy League school, or having an iPhone. In that way, the Spirit Awards probably kind of mean something too, as many of those awards overlap anyway (the jury is still out on the Golden Globes). But anybody with the maturity level of an American 17-year-old should know that the Grammys mean nothing. When there are awesome indie bands that get totally ignored because they don't get rotation on old-school venues (broadcast radio, mtv), but Alicia Keys sweeps or Timbaland sweeps (while Justice has to settle for making out with each other)...let's just say that most people watch these things for the pretty pictures of Miley, or to see if Xtina humps her mic stand or fellates a bible or something. Y'know, American music type stuff!


It's also fun to see who wins, then get outraged because it's inconsequential, esp. after the Nov 4th election, right? Well, whatever, ABC dot com has your full list of winners, BUT, I have to warn you, Alvin and the Chipmunks is among them. Investigate at your own peril, bros.

In the news: Oh, so now we think of this?

Prop 8 (a measure designed to outlaw heathen-themed weddings in the state of California) was in the news (sort of) at the end of last week because the courts of Cali decided they would hear the case against upholding this outlawing. People were all pissed, because minorities were acting like they hated gay people, because the gay minority reminded them what being a minority feels like, and they were just glad they weren't being treated like that anymore (out in the open, that is), so they piled-on the geys with a flurry of Yes on 8 votes that were no match for the hippie love-fests of Castro Street. Now those minorites are all, like, "Maybe this opens us up for similar types of discrimination against us, in the future..." and the geys are all, "Look, don't even talk to me right now." From Reuters:

The court had recognized such marriages in May, and about 20,000 same-sex
couples wed before the November vote. Those marriages may now hang in the
balance. Connecticut and Massachusetts are the only states that allow gay
marriage.

Legal scholars say the measure, which defines marriage as between a
man and a woman, breaks new ground by limiting the courts' ability to protect
minorities.

"They could take away any right from any group," said University
of Southern California Law Professor David Cruz, who filed a brief in favor of
gay marriage in an earlier case.

Oh, they could, could they? But wouldn't this have to violate some other precedent in order for anybody to give a shit? I mean, we're talking about h0m0s here, ok? Oh wait, there's that equal protection thing that should protect constitutions from enacting No Homo policies! What about that?

"The entire purpose behind the constitutional principle of equal protection
would be subverted if the constitutional protection of unpopular minorities were
subject to simple majority rule," read a brief by black, Asian and Hispanic
groups challenging the ban. "This case is not simply about gay and lesbian
equality."

"The history of California demonstrates with sobering clarity the potential
for disfavored minorities to be subjected to oppression by hostile majorities,"
the minority groups say in their brief, pointing to segregation laws and one
excluding Asian-Americans from land ownership as examples. [reuters]

Gah, it's like when you know how a movie is going to end (with an anti-climactic guy-on-guy wedding), but the writers insist on wasting your time with stupid courtroom scenes and heavy-handed references to segregation and prison camps for Asian people. GET TO THE MARRIAGE ALREADY! Some of us have cats to feed!

In the news: What'd we miss?

*People want James Franco (our hero) to care either way about playing gay characters, so they're asking him what it's like to play gay characters. Says Franco, "It's kinda gay." (not really) [mercury news]

*Anybody who has ever used Eharmony knows that you have to like god's version of sex in order to find a match there, but the company just had to, like, pay New Jersey a bunch of money because that is in direct violation of the gay constitution, and now they have to help closet-cases find hook-ups too or something. I don't know, I can't read, and it's Friday. [wsj]

*Gay people text-messaged Barack Obama "wat's up wit gay marage?" and he hasn't texted them back yet, so they're going to focus on some other issues for the time being. He's got til 2010, or they're going to start spamming his Facebook page and talking shit about him to their mutual friends. [usa today]

*Since Cali dropped the ball, Vermont wants to be the "cool" state by letting people marry each other there. [ap]

*Barry O also says to wait up on that rescinding of Don't Ask Don't Tell. He'll call you back when he knows something. [upi]

On the websites: Defamer talks the Advocate talking SNL

Our favorite writer on Defamer (and of the entire current Gawker network, give or take a couple people, whatever, that's not the point) is Seth, who has blown our minds with his punchlines to even the most mundane of post subjects; we want to be more like him, is our point. But whatever, today he covered the Advocate (short for "the Devil's Advocate," we're sure) and their interview with Seth Myers of SNL, where they talked about how gay last week's episode was. I noticed it was pretty ghey, and most wouldn't complain about Andy Samberg making out with dudes and stuff, so I was wondering what the beef was, when it was clear Defamer wasn't totally in the tank for some of the skits presented. And so here's the beef, according to Seth (Defamer versz):

The point isn't that the writing was mean-spirited; it's that it's lazy, and
dated, and relies on gayness as a punchline unto itself. Two openly gay
mechanics in love bickering over their wedding plans is actually a premise that
could produce some well-observed comedy. But two deeply closeted mechanics
admitting to sucking dick in glory holes, then suddenly announcing their
engagement, is something else entirely. It's a Yes on 8 ad.

And while we're sure some of their best writers are gay, you know what might help even more? How about convincing Lorne Michaels to hire his first openly gay SNL cast member? (And Terry Sweeney doesn't count. That was the Dick Ebersol-produced season.) HAHAHA! Just kidding—we know that will never happen. Who's going to laugh at two guys sucking face when you know one's totally getting his rocks by Andy Samberg off while doing it?[defamer]

We wanted to disagree with him immediately (without the election, SNL needed to do something topical, and this was what they went for), but pretty much, he's got a point. But it's really hard to tell sometimes when one (me) is being a stick in the mud for not being cool with gay humor (young people calling stuff "gay" and shizz like that) and when we're legitimately supposed to be offended because we have been, well, offended. But I do remember squirming during the skit he mentions above, but sometimes it's like I spend the whole day squirming, plus I'm sure I was drunk, so, yeah, maybe if everyone just starts being nice to us, our emotional responses to SNL skits won't be so confusing.

In the news: Because news is less boring when you're just looking at the pictures

* "In a spirit of inclusion and transparency in government, President-Elect Barack Obama has chosen seven openly gay transition officials to assist in preparing for the new administration, with details about the transition team appearing online for public inspection." [edge boston]

*Remember when some peoples were gonna make an all-gay high school? No, no, not a Mormon high school. And no, not East High School in Salt Lake. Whatever, we don't really remember it either, our point is, their scrapping it, and we can't help but be kind of happy about that. Dunno... [Chitown daily]

* "Vermont lawmakers will once again be looking at the idea of allowing gay couples to marry. Senator John Campbell says he plans to introduce a bill in January that legalizes same-sex marriage." [wcax]

*Chuck Norris says some stuff you would expect from a chuck norris-type o guy. [defamer]

If you say so: Gay mafia's Mortal-Kombat Street-Molestation Division claims first victims

Everybody knows how much 'momos hate things like streets and prayer, so when a group of Christians recently mixed the two out on Castro Street, Ho Mostranostra crime boss Rosie O'donnel sent her skinny jean-wearing, High School Musical-quoting goons down there to "take care of it." What followed was Cloverfield-level terror and panic, as innocent Christians, singing hymnals in the wee night hours outside of gay clubs for no other reason than because they felt like worshipping Jesus, were nearly butt-raped and kid-touched by crazed "infected peoples;" George Romero tried to get down there as fast as he could, to catch it all on tape, but, luckily, LifeSite (who love Jesus, I think) were on hand to totally give us the what's-what. So do that, guys:

A mob of homosexuals sexually and physically assaulted a group of
Christians praying together in the city's Castro District last week, in apparent
retaliation for the recent defeat of homosexual marriage in California.

"We started worshipping, it was kind of like you would walk into someone's
living room, and people are just hanging out with a guitar, worshipping Jesus,
just really peaceful," she continued. "And a man came up after we'd been there
for a little while and just began yelling and swearing at us and commanding us
to get out of the Castro District, and our leader went up and he said 'why are
you here?' and she said 'we're here to worship God and we're here because we
love you'."

Oh my. Calm down, take a deep breath. Okay...what else happened?

"they were touching and grabbing me, and trying to shove things in my butt,
and even trying to take off my pants - basically trying to molest me. I used one
hand to hold my pants up, while I used the other arm to hold one of the girls.
The guys huddled around all the girls, and protected them."

LOLOLOLOL!!!! Oh my gah, I am so sorry. That is, like, not at all funny, not even in an unintentional way. Aw, man...no more details, just tell me what it all means, please.

After police arrived in riot gear, the mob reportedly became even more
agitated, and began to violently lunge at the prayer group, seeking to go
between the officers, who had formed a protective line. That was when the
videotaped participant said she thought she was going to die.

"Basically I think what we're seeing is that the homofascist element of the
larger gay movement is coming out of the closet, and they're emboldened by what
they perceive as injustice, but I'm hoping and I'm praying that their
antidemocratic behavior educates America and helps Americans wake up to what
this movement is all about," LaBarbera said. [lifesite]

Homofascist, you say? I think I've seen that movie. That's with Brent Corrigan, right? No? Oh, well then I don't know what you're talking about. Anyway, the article makes it sound like this is directly in response to prop 8 and shit. No, sorry. This site is in response to prop8. Gay people not wanting Jesus shoved down their throats while their trying to get laid, and are wasted, and angry over the years, CENTURIES, of you people acting like nazis (fair, because Hitler killed gay people too), and voting to make them feel bad about themselves, THAT is why this happened. Nothing makes me want to put things up some strangers but, THROUGH HIS PANTS, like feigned ignorance and pretending you love me when all you really want me to do is be more like you. Go fudge yourselves, bros. Kthx.

'Round the world: The same song

*South Korea is thinking of banning you-kn0w-whos from the military, although being 'that way' is not illegal in the country itself (sexuality is actually protected by their constitution), but, "Local military courts dealt with 176 cases of homosexual acts or acts of sexual harassment bewteen 2004 and 2007." I don't know a lot about Korea (except that I like movies that come outta there) but that number seems kinda high, considering only four were reported to be mutually consentual. [AFP]

*Same-sexiness is illegal in India and the UN thinks that that's dumb, but India thinks that when two pee-pees touch, AIDS is created, so their having trouble getting talked out of this. [Kaiser Daily]

*"An Ankeny [Iowa] couple wants a book about two male penguins raising a chick together restricted in an elementary school library, claiming it exposes young children to homosexuality... The couple now is seeking to have it moved to a restriction section so only parents can check it out." Their names are James and Cindy Dacus, and they are closet cases. [Chicago Tribune]

*Plus British religio-folk are trying to figure out their stance on boy/boy buttsecks. Let me know how that works out for you. [full story]

*Deputy Christian Vanneste was convicted in 2006 of "homophobic" speech after stating in 2004 that "homosexuality is inferior to heterosexuality. If it were universalized it would be dangerous for humanity." He also called the behavior of homosexuals "bigoted."...The French Court of Appeals overturned the lower court ruling, remarking that "if the disputed remarks were able to hurt the feelings of certain homosexual people, their contents do not go beyond the limits of freedom of expression." [LifeSiteNews]

#7: Becoming Hipsters

Because in artistic communities, the lines are blurred, as they probably should be. Blurred, as in, dudes are straight but not ignorant when it comes to sexuality, because there is nothing to gain from feigning dumb on this subject--quite the opposite: being socially conservative makes you not allowed to be a hipster but a POSER. The distinction makes all the difference. There are plenty of places to get your hipster analysis, so we'll keep this breif, and just note that being a hipster is the next best thing to coming out of the closet, because it's basically the same thing. You get to wear tight clothes, listen to artistic music, pre-order tickets to Gus Van Sant movies, and make out with boys. Yeah, technically you're living a lie, but so is everybody else--we don't mean everybody else in your neighborhood, we mean everybody in the world.

Let's start over: Brady Quinn

The first posting on this site was about Michael Phelps, because he's good-natured and affable enough, plus he has a physique to, erm...aspire to. Plus, how photogenic he is from the neck up is debatable (we think he's just fine) and that's what makes it okay for dudes to openly think he's awesome without getting a pink f-bomb dropped on them. We've loved him (BQ) since Notre Dame, and were pumped that he got drafted into the NFL, even if it was to the Browns who are...well, the Browns. They're named after a color. I dunno, we're not here to judge, though. We're just saying the post wasn't about Quinn, who the camera clearly loves and a true physical role-model for males of all stripes (seriously), because he's too good-looking for straight guys to openly admire without the hate, as we noted.

Straight guys are notoriously wary (jealous) of hot dudes, especially talented ones with steady jobs, like our Mr. Browns QB over here. Every time this guy comes on the television, one of my straight friends hurls a slur at him; it's like he comes on the sceen and their first thought is, "Man, he's fuckin smokin," but their first words are something like, "O man what a homo--him, not me." Or something, you know what I'm saying. He seems polite enough, and I was in the tank for him until he got wasted and yelled The Slur or its variants in public and had to apologize even tho the damage was done. But last night was his first win as starting qb for the Browns, and so we've decided to jump back in the tank, because he's going to need people there for him, because hateration only grows with popularity (and if there is a closet involved in this scenario, the door's gonna pretty be locked, indefinitely, once those endorsements start coming along). So, yes, he's gonna need people--people like us. Keep your head up, buddy.

#6: Having a Girlfriend

Because, socially, it's the logical progression of things. Most people don't know they are gay right away. Some do, but, for some, it is unfathomable--all thought, even gay ones, just seem like random electricity flowing through the brain, and many guys are not the type to start analyzing their feelings and thoughts. Even if a guy meets another guy who he hits it off with (let's say they are 16 years old) their first thought isn't going to be they are in love with that guy; if they think he's kind of cute, this thought will seem weird and will likely be buried. Homophobia might begin to grow in it's place--but though those feelings may not technically be forgotten, it is unlikely they will ever really be acknowledged, at least not while their still in high school, unless they are lucky enough to find someone open and honest enough to allow them to be open and honest. But nobody has time to wait to be saved by TRUE love. So this guy's gonna have to get a girlfriend.

The common misconception is that gay guys can't tell when a girl is hot, which is absolutely ridiculous. Knowing that girls are hot is how gays know that straight guys know when other dudes are hot: 'cuz it don't work that way, Pepe. If you can tell when a male dog is cute, you can tell when a male human is cute (this differs upon taste, as some people have none, obv). But we're here to talk about chicks. People in high school (an beyond, as life doesn't get too much less shallow) What a girlfriend does, on the outside, is tell people, "Hello I hook up with chicks, ok, later not gay !!!1!" Many call this girl a "beard" and, in many cases we've seen, she is the one who pursued the relationship. She liked this cute, maybe funny, maybe kinda charming, guy, and made a boyfriend out of him. She will often find herself disappointed by his seeming lack of interest in anything but brooding or pawing her listlessly OR, on the other end, be enamored by how much like One of The Girls he is.

Not all gay people are the same, so, therefore, not all guys in the closet are the same. There are the ones who want to come out, and will, one day--then there are the, often more macho, guys, who are fundamentally terrified of acknowledging this thing inside of them. Societal instituitions, such as church, and, in many cases, sports and fraternities, also help to keep guys in the closet by nuturing a) environments that praise you for being with women and b) environments that take the piss out of you if you stray from their conception of the heterosexual norm. This is why the term closet-case isn't quite used as a joke around here: I seriously think it's fucked up, and some people have no way out. What the girlfriend does, on the inside, is help this guy convince himself that he's not gonna be charmed by another guy IN THAT WAY, that he's not gonna admire his best friend, Charlie, next time his shirt accidentally pulls up too high, revealing smooth skin and ripples and the like. All this amounts to is a lot of people wasting each others' time, but, for many, what it feels like is their life being saved from teh geighs and how lame it is, and people like Prince tapping their bible with a look of reproach everytime Billy drunkenly finds his way to Dudetube and let's one go, followed by crying and hating himself and calling people fag whenever he gets the chance, because he doesn't know how he's supposed to feel, just knows he doesn't want to feel like this.

On the websites: Slash isn't evil

So, Guns N Roses is awesome, largely because of Appetite for Destruction and maybe, like, six or seven songs from the Use Your Illusions, but mostly because of Slash and Izzy (Axl's cool too, but is a douche; he's cool on rock star terms only, which are significantly different (almost useless), when compared with real world terms). Anyway, Slash is more valuable than Axl, as we already knew, but MusicRadar reminds us:

In a new YouTube video, Slash appears in the background playing the American national anthem, The Star-Spangled Banner. Meanwhile, his wife Perla Hudson speaks out on behalf of same-sex unions.

She says: "I married my sweetheart, you should be able to marry yours too.
Say no to hate, and yes to equal rights. Keep up the fight."

During Slash's time in Guns N' Roses, accusations of homophobia were
levelled at the band, in particular frontman Axl Rose. This was in no small part
down to the song One In A Million in which Rose uses the term "faggots", who are
said to "spread some fucking disease". [musicradar]

So, Slash, who was in one of the most badass hardrock bands ever formed, is cool with himself and others, yet Prince, a professional Tinkerbell impersonator (Purple Rain was great, I know), has his ice-skating uni in a twist? I wonder what the youtube commenter intelligentsia is going to have to say about this.

Um...yeah: Isaiah Washington breaks his silence

So Grey's Anatomy, America's alternative to Dancing with the Stars and painkillers, had a lesbian character on it, and ABC totally had her cut from the show and now her love-interest likes dick again since the only other lesbian got fired because ABC hates all the mincing about and swishiness associated with dykey bulldyke lesbos, and Isaiah Washington will not be having any of this, because this is almost 2009, and Lindsay Lohan is America's gay best-friend, and gay people are the new awesome. From teh Star Ledger:

Isaiah Washington, who got canned from "Grey's Anatomy" for using the gay
slur against co-star T.R. Knight, criticized ABC for firing Brooke Smith, who
played a fledgling lesbian on the show. Though show creator Shonda Rhimes
insists Smith did not get fired because of her Sapphic storyline, Washington
says the dismissal was "harsh."

"The fact is that, just before the holidays, you have a mother, a wonderful actress removed from a steady income without the proper reasoning behind it," he tells TVGuide.com. [sl]

Okay, that's sad we gess, but let's go back and hang out with that quote a little: "who got canned...for using THE gay slur!" The slur? There's only one now? Is that supposed to be subtle, Star-Ledger humor? I'm guessing faggot is THE gay slur du jour these days, popularized by Isaiah Washington's rage issues and certified by the Star-Ledger, approved by America. Next time someone calls me a flamer or colon-raider, I'll laugh in their face and be all, "Haha, you're stupid that's not even the gay slur, dad."

In the news: Headway in repealing 'Don't ask, Don't Tell'

Sometimes I feel we dwell too often on the fact that everybody hates gay people, and don't shed light on the fact that not everybody actually hates gay people, because they like themselves, so are willing to like others as well. even if they're different (they might actually like them more because of this). For those thinking recent events are a signal of a dismal future (socially we mean, economically this is for sher), the AP tries to subdue your pot-heightened paranoia with some collection of facts, strung together in a kind of inormo-narrative, also known as a news article:

More than 100 retired generals and admirals called Monday for repeal of the
military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy on gays so they can serve openly,
according to a statement obtained by The Associated Press.
The move by the military veterans confronts the incoming administration of President-elect Barack Obama with a thorny political and cultural issue that dogged former President Bill Clinton early in his administration.

"As is the case with Great Britain, Israel, and other nations that
allow gays and lesbians to serve openly, our service members are professionals
who are able to work together effectively despite differences in race, gender,
religion, and sexuality," the officers wrote.

While Obama has expressed support for repeal, he said during the
presidential campaign that he would not do so on his own — an indication that he
would tread carefully to prevent the issue from becoming a drag on his agenda.
Obama said he would instead work with military leaders to build consensus on
removing the ban on openly gay service members.

"Although I have consistently said I would repeal 'don't ask, don't tell,' I believe that the way to do it is make sure that we are working through a process, getting the Joint Chiefs of Staff clear in terms of what our priorities are going to be," Obama said in a
September interview with the Philadelphia Gay News. [ap]

***

C'est la vie? And, also big ups to Isreal!

So...yeah: Prince Philip of Sweden

Okay, so I was looking up pictures that would make Prince (the 80s icon and World's Most Fabulous Gay-Basher) look totally girly, so everyone would laugh at what a case he is, and I accidentally stumbled upon a man named Prince Carl Philip. Yes, ladies and gentleman, A PRINCE WE CAN FINALLY BELIEVE IN (FTW!)!

"Um, hey, bro...uh...what's up? What? Acting weird? No, no, it's just...j-just that I've never met a prince before. God, you smell really good. What, no, no, no, I mean, I think I have that flavor Axe, is all. Not Axe? You don't use cologne, just bar soap 'cause it lathers better and keeps you smelling fresh longer, and also saves money? Man, that's so hott. Like, 'hott' meaning awsome yet frugle, I mean, dude. [Stares idly] Hm? Yeah, that chick is pretty hot. I don't know about those arm ruffles on her dress, though, kind of Little Mermaid the Bridesmaid, y'know? LOL, totally! Look, dude, can I kiss you?"

From Wiki:

Born Crown Prince of Sweden, he retained his title and first place in succession
for seven months until 1 January 1980. On that date, he was stripped of both due
to a change in the Act of Succession to introduce equal primogeniture. Since then,
Prince Carl Philip has been second in the line of succession, after his elder
sister, Crown Princess Victoria. However, in the line of succession to the British throne, Prince Carl Philip is ahead of his elder sister due to the UK still operating male primogeniture.

"Stripped of you're crown!? That's fucking horeshit, man! You look like you're doing okay, though. The way I look at it, things happen sometimes, whether you deserve them or not. They just happen. I think--what am I doing, you say? Oh you just had a loose hair across your forehead, I was getting it for you. You know, I think I'm gonna buy you some shots..."

"Also, what does primogeniture mean?"

In the news: Homophobia Roundup

*First up, news from across the pond, shedding a stark spotlight on a startling new discovery: kids like to say things are gay, especially things like their teachers and people they don't like, who will in turn rat them out to pollsters and stuff:

'A SHOCK survey has found eighty five per cent of teachers hear homophobic abuse
in schools every week. And over half who took part in the study - based on
five Oldham secondary schools - said they had been a target for homophobic abuse
themselves.

Officials at the National Union of Teachers, who commissioned the survey, say the results are shocking. Tony Harrison, from the Oldham branch of the NUT, said:

"Not only do 85 per cent of teachers hear homophobic abuse of staff or pupils each week but over half the teachers who responded have been the target of homophobic abuse themselves by pupils during the school year." [Manchester Evening News]'

Recently I've felt like a prude, 'cause it seems like gay people seem to be kind of okay with this 'gay' thing being thrown around as slang for something you'd wish to do without. Personally, I think it's lazy and boorish thinking that makes someone call a lamp gay for blowing out during an electrical storm, but maybe it's just that American culture only requires consumer minds to be lazy and boorish, and so calling stuff gay ends up just being normal. In elementary school, a teacher told me that I shouldn't use the word 'weird' when I write, because it doesn't really mean anything--I feel the same way abuot this. I know gay people use it too, but I think that's kind of a gay thing to do when people are out there protesting for equal rights and afraid to come out because it could ruin their careers. Just...just really gay, guys, really.

*Next up, we have a first in American history, so hold onto your hats: a rapper is homophobic! I know, I know, it's insane, but apparently this rapper named [redacted, fuck him], who is affiliated with Eminem in some way, and who has to be a pretty awful emcee if I'm only hearing about him because he hates dudes that fuck each other, buttsecks-wise (sample lyric, seriously: "Ain't no other way to say He's a fuckking faggot so I'm lettin' off my AK Bust 'em in his forehead He ain't worth lettin' live...").

Over at The Quietus, they've got some thotfull words on the subject, more thoughtful than I am typicaly capable, at least:

Through the Stop Murder Music campaign, there has been a lot of focus on
homophobic lyrics in the music industry, particularly those that incite violence
against gay and lesbian people. Artists like Buju Banton, Bounty Killa, Capleton
and Beenie Man have seen their concerts cancelled and their tracks dropped from
airplay all over the world. Their stubborn refusal to stop their violent
anti-gay solicitations to murder has seriously damaged their careers and I often
wonder if, for them, it's really worth it. Is it worth squandering your talent,
your career, your art, your livelihood on promoting hatred and violence? So if
homophobia doesn't pay, why is [redacted, fuck him, in the back] going down this route? That is a question only he can answer. [The Quietus]

There's a lot about free speech in the actual article so go read the real thing, cuz it's better.

*Finally, for now, Prince would like gay people to know that god pretty much hates them, as per his book of choose-your-own-meaning, anti-bottoming allegories, the Bible.

Whatever you say, bro.

From the Science Vault: Stop looking at hot people and you'll like yourself more

Science can sometimes be used when religion doesn't have the answer which is a fancy way of saying science is pointless, and so we here at SCCL will sometimes present what some stupid scientist doctors wasted their time figuring out over the last ten years or so. Our first peice comes from 2004 and basically says that when guys are checking out the sexy Amerian media's six-pack abs and form-fitting speedo swimsuits, they feel less satisfied with themselves, even if they are special, beautiful people in every conceivable way.

The study of 158 male college students found that those who were made to
watch TV ads full of lean, muscular and often shirtless young men showed more
body dissatisfaction and depression compared with their peers who watched
"neutral" commercials.

The findings suggest that media images of the "ideal male body"
contribute to poor body image in men, according to study authors Daniel Agliata
and Dr. Stacey Tantleff-Dunn of the University of Central Florida.

The razor blades are in the cupboard--I'll run the bathwater.

[html versz of study]

In the news: Uppity gay people

Some gays can't just take what they are given and be happy and so are protesting on top of America. From a newsource known as the Age:

'BEARING signs such as "No More Mr Nice Gay" and "We're Not Asking for Five Wives — Just One", more than 10,000 New Yorkers yesterday joined in a nationwide backlash against California's voting down of same-sex marriage rights.

'It was the second major protest within days in New York, the previous one targeting the Mormon Church ... for its role in financing the anti-gay marriage campaign.


... "We are not going to rest until every citizen in every state in our country has the right to stand up and say this is the man or woman I love and we want to express that love in the form of marriage," he said.'

[Gay rights anger goes nationwide]

#5: Being Rappers*

Because rappers scare people. Not their fans, but hopefully their enemies. Hip-hop is, at any given moment, up to its knees in machismo, braggadocio, and this observation is by no means a new one. Rap had a hard enough time rising to prominence, nobody would bother mentioning this about NWA (the debate hovered around censoring angry blackness) unless they were totally square, or had the time for a violence in art debate--rowdy music made by black people had to first deal with the question of whether it was okay for white people to even like it. Of course it was; it was good for the rappers as brands, as part of a business and as music hippies at heart who just want to be accepted like everbody else--it was good for the white fans because it meant they could openly celebrate this music without social repricussions; it was good for black fans because this lessened the chance that someone was going to take this away from them. Everybody wins, like we said.

This acceptance, however, does not change the environment of rap music. Especially in the 90s, all some of our favorite rappers talked about (Big Pun, Nas, Biggie, Jay-Z, Tupac, DMX, MOP, Puffy(!)) was killing (at one point, at least, in every song) someone or something. This is hardass behavior! Nobody is going to truly fuck with someone who puts that out there and surrounds himself with other people who, silently or verbally, put that out there, unless they actually do kill people, because they're not used to being scared either. This is the perfect facade for a closet-case to don.

Not only, as a rapper, are you suddenly unfuckwitable, but, if you're good, you should have boys for life who are either giving you props or becoming you're colleagues in the business (if you're that lucky, which many are not, sadly). This means guys to horde pussy for you; girl-pussy for you to fuck, that is. Things will always come down to that fundamental: hooking up with girls makes other guys think you are cool. You don't have to like doing it, you just have to do it; talking about it would help, too, probably. Especially in your music. So what if you cringe everytime you deliver a line like "get in more pussy than Tampax?" The point is you are safe from having to reveal the truth, which is you've been in love with Peter (your dj) since the first time you met him, and that every time he accidentally touches you, or brushes against you, it gives meaning to life and you are forced to close your eyes in order to savor it, every time. And that is what life's about--not having to say that to anyone (wheter you're friend is in love with you back is irrelevant, because America hates gay rappers and black people hate that they find dicks kind of intriguing).

*If you live in a low-income area, you don't actually have to become a rapper to use these points to your advantage, as hip-hop culture is pervasive in American cities of this type, and the rules of the 'hood (neighborhood) are pretty much the same as the rules for rappers.

In the news: Mormons under attack as gays give Anthrax Makeover to local church!

Some good samaritans tried to donate their leftover cocaine to a buncha Mormons but they got all pissed. Now they think the gay mafia's Al-Quaeda Terror-Cell Department is trying to same-sex marry them into an early grave by burying them up to their necks in anthrax. Or something...:

Someone sent envelopes containing a suspicious (but, it turns out, harmless) white powder to the Salt Lake City headquarters of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and to an LDS temple in Los Angeles.

The church says the culprits are extremists who opposed the recently enacted ban on gay marriage in California. Mormons were among those who were most active in getting the measure passed.

But according to this Associated Press story, "Investigators have not publicly cited any evidence that the mailings were linked to the Mormon church's support of the measure, and a gay rights group in Utah disputed that gay protesters were involved."

Just like a bunch of gay queers to send expired anthrax to straight churches filled with American taxpayer dollars. If I could give any advice to the WAR ON MORMON VALUES, it would be to just flood them with copies of the Latter Days Double-Disc Extra-Heresy Edition, until they finally stand up to their parents and run-off with their promiscuous gay boyfriends just like the star-crossed lovers in the groundbreaking nu-classic.

[original article]

On the blogs: COACD on the Coop

I put COACD on the blog roll here because I used to go there to check out the models, but I hadn't been there in a while, and openly advocating made me feel like I should make the trip. Scrolling down in search of moddles to investigate, I come across a post about my favorite propostion as well as a little note toward America's newscaster and loving, nurturing, and milk-skinned boyfriend, Anderson Hays Cooper:

Anderson Cooper needs to come out of the closet and should have used CNN as a
platform last week to educate all viewers on Prop 8. It kills me to see him
lower himself using airtime talking about Real Housewifes of Atlanta, trust me I
love that show. But the fact that we can elect the first black president and not
overcome homophobia in California is pathetic. Anderson Step it up!

Words emboldened by the video only a couple posts up of a t-shirt clad aryan boy flexing his muscles for an unseen cameramen just feet away. But she's right, right? Um, Wanda Sykes technically came out, at a Prop 8ight rally no less, so that's a good thing, and a thought to latch onto the next time you race toward the bathroom at work cuz you gotta pee really bad, and security stops you and points to the Straight Mens' Only sign above the restroom door, you'll be confused for a couple of moments until he turns his pointed index finger and aims it at an unkempt, wooden outhouse, the word Geigh scrawled in chalk across its rickety, termite-infested door.



[coacd]
[gawker]

Did you know...?

Did you know that Bill O'Reilly is kind of a douchebag? Okay, I kinda did, but for some reason I watched a video proving it, and now I can't stop thinking about it.

[gawker]

#4: James Franco

Any respectable dudebro digs movies. Not foreign films or musicals (although there are shades of gray in both of these cases, as Ong Bak is technically foreign, but also considered badass by most straight accounts), but any movie present, at some point, in the US box office's top ten. It is also permitted to have favorite actors or actresses. Your favorite actress MUST be hot. There is no negotiating this; if she isn't hot, then you must have a logically sound argument as to why you think she is. Your favorite actor, on the other hand, has to be cool. The word cool covers a lot of ground, from Will Smith, to Tom Hanks, to Heath Ledger (Dark Knight version only); Tom Cruise is not cool--neither is someone like Jude Law or something. But gays are as shallow as the lord himself, and so his favorite actor must also be hot, but not by choice--we are born this way. For one to be in the closet however, it is tough to explain why Channing Tatum is his favorite actor. I mean, he's fine and all, but that's not going to go over so well with your bros. You need somebody who gives you abnormal pulse disorder AND won't ruin your life and have your parents disown you because they hate buttsecks.

That's where James Franco comes in. Firstly, he's adorbs beyond compare, and this is inarguable. Secondly, he's been working with Judd Apatow for years, and everyone needs a favorite Apatow Player, and throwing out Franco's name might even land you street cred, which is a bonus, no matter what your goals in life may be. Everyone loves Jonah Hill, but the perceptive movie goer is the one who appreciates Franco's subtlety (make sure to use a word like "subtlety" or "good-natured" and not "dimples" or "swoon!"). PLUS, you'll be gaining pre-emptive geigh-cred, for when you finally come out, because Franco seems like a genuinely nice guy, and is slowly becoming a gay icon in his own right, which is awesome.

So, closeteds, remember, we love you no matter how things turn out. And, as far as lust objects go, you could do worse.

(NOTE: Real life "Francos" may not all be well-read and into "art" and "gay rights" and stuff--they might be assholes who string you along, only to dump your ass when you've finally decided to open your heart to him. They might also be Closets who will crush you the moment you become a possible liability. Just make sure you have a support system is all we're sayin, k? We really do worry...)

Would it be so wrong if puppies could marry, or am I misunderstanding the argument?

From CBS and junk:

(AP) A judge cleared the way for gay marriage to begin Wednesday in
Connecticut, a victory for advocates stung by California's referendum that
banned same-sex unions in that state. Couples immediately marched to New Haven
City Hall to get marriage licenses, and less than two hours after the final
court hearing, Peg Oliveira and Jennifer Vickery were married in a brief
ceremony next to New Haven City Hall.

[CBS, y'all!]

In the news: Mark Foley

So you remember Mark Foley? He was the Republican who was being all flirty with congressional pages, who are all boys in their teens (not all of them, just the ones he thought were hot). He fell from grace and he was a part of that whole "I'm an alkie, I'm going to rehab" craze of the later Bush years; before becoming public enemy #1 (gay), he helped craft legislation to protect kids on the internet from people like Perez Hilton. It turns out he was gay, but most people in Washinton already knew that. Yahoo has a story up about, which is really an interview with him, except the kind of interview with narration, not just a transcript (hate that!). Some excerpts for your perusalz:

Foley insists he did nothing illegal and never had sexual contact with
teens, just inappropriate Internet conversations. Investigations by the FBI and
Florida authorities ended without criminal charges. And while he concedes his
behavior was "extraordinarily stupid," he remains somewhat unwilling to accept
full public scorn. These were 17-year-olds, just months from being men, he
insists.

I actually agree with him there; everyone wants to bang seventeen year olds. EVERYONE! Don't lie, please, ok let's keep looking:

In public life, you dream of the day they'll name a hospital after you, or
a bridge or a post office," Foley said, twisting a gold band on his ring finger identical to one his high-society dermatologist boyfriend wears.

"If I had a post office named after me today, they'd probably return to sender," he
said.

Zing! Further:

Shortly after his resignation, his attorney announced that Foley was gay
and an alcoholic and had been molested by a priest as a teenage altar boy in
Florida. Foley then checked himself into a treatment facility.

"I loved my early life, and then along comes a priest ... who forces me
into a sexual relationship at the age of 12. And right shortly thereafter, I
fail eighth grade, I start drugs, I start drinking, I start smoking," he said.
"My entire life ... implodes."
...
A Republican won back Foley's congressional district last week after the
Democrat who replaced him was caught in an adultery scandal. It's become known
as "The Curse of the Mark Foley Seat."

"It's not what I had hoped would be my lasting legacy," he said, pausing to brush away tears. So what does the man who once was such a popular figure in politics and high-society do now?

"I don't know. I don't know," he said. "I'm just going to take it a day at a
time."

Yeesh. I kind of feel bad for him right now, I dunno. I mean, these congressional pages, I'm assuming, were young, upstart republicans, which basically means they're gay. I guess what I'm saying is, where's the crime America?*

[yahoo/ap]

*Besides abuse of power or whatever, BUT IS THAT EVEN A RULE THERE? Probly not.

UPDATE: Wonkette also talks about this.