Friday, December 5, 2008

In the media: the Jonas Brothers

I find it very difficult to hate the Jonas Brothers. And I hate everyONE and everyTHING. Seriously, think of a noun, and I probably have something awful to say about it. People ask me why I'm so quiet, and that's why: I am brimming with vitriol, people. But, with the JBz, AS I CHOOSE TO CALL THEM, they are so fundamentally opposite everything I strive for (except money) that I have no choice but to embrace them, you know? Sure, they love Jesus and I blaspheme and spit in god's face at every chance I get. They are upbeat and my heart is blacker than the crudest of fossil fuels. The only thing we have in common is how much we likely touch ourselves, and yet they probably have more buttsecks than me (because they are Pure and buttsecks doesn't count in the eyes of Jesus).
I love bands that let seep through some semblance of honesty, but I am open to like most anything (the newish song "Kill the Lights" by Britney Spears is appreciated by me these days as much as the bulk of Mr. Oizo's Lamb's Anger lp, as much as Ten Kens, a band I am recently digging), yet cannot find an angle from which to fully embrace the Bro-bros music, or to not feel weird even listening to it (there's something about it that says Stay Away). Someone on some board somewhere today pointed out how these guys have a full band that plays along with them, and I think this speaks of the larger problem: they are controlled by Disney, and Disney is a money-hungry, brand-spewing monster. Britney Spears' life is a crudely-polished turd right now, and if the JBz suffer the same fate, I'll be kind of annoyed at the world, because there are three of them, and they're brothers, and they should be looking out for each other, and not getting brainwashed by big corpos or even their 'rents, as kids say these days, right?? So maybe they'll be okay. But, I dunno. Nick, the youngest, has been in show bizness THE LONGEST. His parents (and I'm speculating here) have to be scumbags on some level--smart, bizness savvy, sure, but they are loving the money coming in, and who wouldn't?? But still, I find myself constantly defending them. I dunno--with the aforemention Ms. Spears, I basically coveted her downfall since I was in high school. I just wanted that bitch (sorry) to go down, just bein honest. But now that she has, it sucks and now I know I was a jerk.

So, Jonases? Please, if management starts crushing up vikes handing out lines after the show, or offers you their scrip of addies shaped like Flinstones vitamens before a Regis and Kelly taping, SAY NO. Life is long, and it's tremendous, and as long as your goal, growing up, is to be cool™, and understanding™, and to learn as much as possible, you'll be fine. But if evangelicalism (?) proves to be the Titanic I think it might be (I am wrong a lot, though, guys, and I care, really sorta I guess) then promise me that you won't go down with the ship. I will continue to defend you, and I apologize if this came across as condescending.
NOTE: I think I am only interested because (a) whoever styles them has wicked sense of style and I want anything Nick wears and (b) I am fully down with raising Joe's kids.

Just say the word, bro. [pictures via Variety]

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